June 30, 2013

I just finished watching 20/20.  A show I used to watch a lot — but haven’t watched it in a few years.  Wow.

A few observations.

1 — I liked the show very much.  I always have.  I love the featured stories — they go more in depth in news stories.

2 – Two conflicting thoughts came up when I was watching it.

One was that I like these shows… and how out of the loop I am with me not watching TV.  The feeling that I’m being left behind.  Or that I’m not up on anything that’s going on in this world.  There’s fear of being out of it.  Having no clue what’s “happening” in this world.

Then the other thought was, I shouldn’t be watching this.

The same thought I have about being on Facebook.  Just get off.  MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

3 – So hmm… it’s almost like I can choose to continue on the path I have been, no tv and not really knowing “everything” that is going on in the world.

Or the other route, turn back on my TV and spend x amount of hours each day in front of the TV like I used to.

4 – The other thought is fear of being looked at as stupid since I don’t watch tv or know about all these current events

5 – That it’s almost a full time job to keep up to date with everything that’s going on in the world… since so much is going on these days

6 – And the question / the demand of the ego… so you haven’t been on the TV for about a year (has it been a year?  I’m not sure) — so what have you done with your life?  How are you better off?  That sort of “prove it to me” energy.

And that’s right.

What have I been doing with my life?

Am I better off now?

I do feel more intuitive.  Actually I know I am much more.

But really, what is it that I do with all this time now that I haven’t been watching TV?

I really have no idea.

It’s almost a thought of, let me keep a tally.  Some sort of time card.

Well — I will tell you this.. I think I do spend more time playing with my dog… out in nature… now I’m working out much more again which is GREAT… I spend a lot of time walking to the supermarket… I have no idea.

I started cooking.  Which again is great.

Otherwise I have no clue.

I listen to talk radio through the internet a lot more.  That is my new “waste time” activity.

So what’s the point of this post?  I don’t know… at least not yet.

I guess it’s just noticing the conflict.  The difference between the two lifestyles.

I also do notice how I have more time to read or learn… but my feeling has been that I don’t want to — a lot of times I just want to relax.  This used to feel okay sitting in front of the tv to relax, now there’s restlessness and then yes, maybe some boredom.

So I wonder, am I not letting myself rest because I don’t have tv to rest in front of anymore?

I really don’t know… we’ll see.

On a related note, I’m back on twitter.  Posted about my workout.  I seem to like to post about that. And I will post about zimmerman trial tomorrow as I’m planning on waking up early so I can get work done and watch it….

I realize again, this maybe is not all about facebook / twitter — it’s about “watching” people in general.  Spirit keeps encouraging me to just be in my own energy.  That’s it.

Watching shows on tv is a distraction.  it’s focusing on someone else.  Especially these news programs like 20/20

Same deal with Facebook and Twitter.  Watching other people.  Although I will tell you, a lot of people replied to my Twitter comments about zimmerman trial (I noticed them today) and it was fun to reply to people.  There’s no snooping on them, looking at pictures, or previous posts.

Facebook feels like heavy weird energy.  Twitter feels light… for the very reason I used to hate it, since it has such a short limit on what you can write.

And yes, I know I look totally CRAZY with this back and forth with not being on facebook and then back on it… but just being in the process.  These things apparently are all related and will sort themselves out sooner or later 🙂

I do realize that what gets me feeling weird is that I use twitter/facebook as a sort of checking in / and explaining myself.  Like my relationship used to be with my mom.. trying to explain myself all the time.  I realize that’s the judgments I put on myself about posting.

I can’t think about Facebook/Twitter anymore right now.  It’ll sort itself out — and yes it still bothers me how they use those Facebook/Twitter posts against people.  I’m actually going to sign in and delete a bunch of my pictures.. I did this before, but I think having up there one picture is enough.  Will delete others…. or maybe I won’t. Waste of time.

I think the overall thing that gets me — is that it bothers me how we live in this society where there’s this energy of “look at me, look at me” — and that’s the Youtube thing, the Facebook thing, the Twitter thing.

And I think overall what gets me, is I don’t want to be apart of that… yet part of me does.