November 21, 2012

Today I picked up my parents from the airport.  I haven’t seen my father in 6 months and my mom and I just reconnected a month ago.  My relationship with my family members has been changing – and therefore chaotic and strained for several years ago, worsening over the last 2 years when I was becoming aware of many childhood wounds and healing them in my relationship with my ex.

Today I took on my new role with my parents.  Last month when I saw my mom, I took on that role with her….  That new role?  The empowered one.  The one filled with wisdom.  The one who knows her stuff.  The one who is more confident.  The one who doesn’t need your approval.  Some of these things they may have noticed in me.  More important I noticed them in myself.

Now, even though I took on this new role – and it is an empowered role for myself, the days that followed (I’m writing this 2 days later) have been quite chaotic.

Lots of lessons learned – and more so, lots of realizations coming up.

I was having a lot of “ah ha” moments.  And here are some of my realizations… a general realization of them….

1 – Just because I have gone through healing and taken on this new role, doesn’t mean our relationship is going to be rosy.  It has not been.

2 – I may never have a good relationship with my family again.  This saddens me.  I have been going through a lot of mourning and comforting of myself.  By “good relationship” I mean close and intimate, like I’ve always wanted…. but here’s the thing here, I have realized (and this has been a realization awhile ago) that although my family has been close, it’s never been the close intimacy that I’ve wanted.

3 – Lots of “ah ha” sort of deja vu moments.  When I was with my ex, lots of childhood wounds were coming up for healing.  I healed these… at least I thought, with him…. but now in reconnecting with my parents, I was seeing those same wounds (or issues) that I was mad at him about now surfacing with the source – my parents.  (this is a big topic, I’m going to write a book about it, I’m sure of it)

4 – I was also seeing the correlation as to the “problems” I have been having in my business – the frustrations.  They were all patterns.  Patterns and wounds that I’ve had with my parents… that showed themselves in my intimate relationship… and showed themselves in my business.  It’s all been very interesting, kind of freaky, and also upsetting but also life giving as I know this is all being healed right now.

5 – I am now on a quest to create my own family.  A new family.  One who is built on healthy patterns, rather than unconscious behaviors.

6 – Again, it’s been quite sad and very heartbreaking at times.  A lot of crying these past few days.  A cleansing.  Spirit has been right here with me, showing me signs to assist me along the way.

When you are clearing and healing family patterns, it can feel very alone and confusing.  You go back into the relationship because they are family but there has to be a new distance formed.  A discernment.  Whereas normally you would want to or you feel you should tell your family members many things, this can no longer be the case… at least not now.  This has been hard for me.

I realize that I so badly want to let them in and want to share with them, but have noticed these past few days, yet again that when I do this I get hurt.

You have to give these new relationships time.  Both for the family members to learn new ways, more positive and healthy ways of treating you… as well as you setting boundaries and acting differently to them.

I have been having some trouble with this and it has been like I said, a bit chaotic and emotional these last few days.

I am healing and I am welcoming in the new me as the old parts of me leave.