April 23, 2013
Last night a snake came to visit me in my sleep. (in my dream). That makes two snakes in 1 week. Wow. I’m so cute. I said thank you about this while I was in my dream 🙂 I am grateful.
Yesterday I posted this on my Facebook:
So my deceased grandfather came to visit me two days in a row during my dreamtime hours. This was strange to me, although not super strange since for now two weeks I have been having dreams every single night with all of my family members. Lots of family healing going on at night. In any event, I just realized why my grandfather was coming through so strongly — my grandmother is sick and I need to go visit her. That is what I am going to do now. Our parents may choose to protect us from life situations that they may deem as insignificant or wanting to protect you for other reasons — but when you are connected to Spirit, the truth is always known. Thank G-d for that.
As I was walking to the hospital to see my grandmother, who fell and had to have hip surgery I was reminded of some things about the relationship with my mom. Memories of how she treated me, how she made me feel… how I felt in my family.
It was a learned helplessness feeling
A feeling that I couldn’t win either way.
I noticed yesterday as I was walking up to the hospital, had to “ask the right questions” to get information about my grandmother being hurt, otherwise I would have never known she hurt herself.. this saddened me. I’ve been doing this my whole life.
Always feeling out of the loop with information.
All these secrets in our family. Things not being shared because my mom didn’t think it was important… or for some other reason she’d come up with.
I had to constantly be a detective in my family.
To see when people in my family were hanging out… and how I wouldn’t be invited.
I don’t have huge memories of this when I was young… but of my teenage and later years, yes.
My brother coming into town.. and not telling me.
My mom and father not telling me about it.
Then me stumbling upon photos. That was hurtful. What’s the big secret? Oh, it’s no secret, when I’d ask them.
Or my grandmother going out to eat with someone…
Or my mom making plans with my brother…
All these things, felt like I was purposefully not invited. Her doing these things behind my back. Not telling me she hung out with them unless I specifically asked. (this I realize now was again another pattern that came out in my relationship with my ex)
And then, this is when I was younger… when I would be invited places, I felt like I was a burden to my mom. An embarrassment. Why? I have no idea.
It was like… come with us here. This had a lot to do with hanging out with her friends to do stuff.
She’d invite me to come along.
But then I felt she was embarrassed of me, that I came along cause I “didn’t have any friends” like she used to say. This wasn’t true. I had friends. I didn’t care to hang out with them. I was choosing to hang out with my mom.
What a weird dynamic. Right? Totally fucked up.
So on one hand I have family members not telling me things… keeping secrets… hanging out without me… me feeling left out… me literally being left out… and then on the other hand, me being included, but then being made to feel like a loser / burden / not wanted when I was there (but invited).
It was a lot of hard work to fit in with my family.
And no wonder this was tiring to me. Confusing, frustrating, and anger-provoking.
This all dawned on me — the patterns became clearer to me yesterday.
Saying goodbye to these patterns today… while I do my celebration ceremony – completing a huge life cycle.