February 28, 2013
I realized (again) over the last few days that the reason why I was keeping my parents in my life for so long, dealing with their behavior that was grinding at me on a low level (and at other times a high level) was because they are my money crutch.
Sure of course we all have needs for our parents – and love – as well, but I see how they have been effecting my money… or rather, issues related.
Now I’m hesitant to put on them all of my money stuff, but I know this is one of them.
You see, for many years my parents have always given me money. For whatever. There’s no regular basis to it, I just always know they are there supplying something.
Maybe it’s in the form of clothing, or toilet paper from Costco 🙂 , or dinners out, or anything like that.
I know they are always there in case I run out of money – or money for birthdays, although I can’t remember the last time they gave me money for a birthday… but in any event, I know they are my money crutch.
Just like my ex was as well.
I know I stayed with him for longer because he was supporting me for the most part.
For most of our time together. And even when he was not, I knew he would if I needed him too.
And there’s two things here, I think.
1 – the attracting / bringing people in close to me to provide me with money…. my ex was brought in, attractive to me, because he provided me with money, like my parents.
2 – then the keeping of the intimate relationship(s) in my life (my ex and my parents) because of the money or anticipated money they will provide, in case I ever need it
3 – then there’s the thought “let me not fully provide for myself – abundant, luxury, loads of money – cause then I won’t need them” so it’s then the fear of not needing them in my life… because money is what was bonding us… or the lack of my money.
So that’s three things. And things that I am looking at again, just like I looked at at the end of my relationship with the ex… when these things came crystal clear to my awareness… and now with being separated from my parents, the fears and concerns have risen.
But this time, rather than …. say, going back to my ex… cause I didn’t want my parents as my money crutch
Or then going back to my parents, cause I didn’t want my ex as my money crutch…
I just want to turn to Spirit…. TO BE MY MONEY CRUTCH… or rather SUPPLY.
I want to fully and totally trust SPIRIT to provide.
FULLY and TOTALLY KNOW that Spirit provides for me abundantly.
I do feel a bit nervous and unsure about it…
But I’ve seen it happen before in my life…
It has been happening in my life…
But I still feel nervousness at times.
I want to move into abundance.
More into thriving than just surviving.
I really want this. I am committed to this. I will do this.
SOURCE IS MY SUPPLY.
I don’t need to be in unhealthy, harmful, hurtful relationships anymore in order to get money provided.
I also have a slight concern … a wondering, that if I do provide for myself, does this mean I won’t ever need my parents? That I am truly telling them I don’t need you – and goodbye?
It can get confusing. I’m trying to let it just be.
For now, just focusing on my connection to Spirit and letting them be my source of money supply.