February 26, 2013

This is something I posted elsewhere, but it is an important part of my journey and wanted to share it on here with you.

I just wanted to share with everyone that I am separated from my parents.  This is the second time this has happened — I just wanted to say it – I’m cut off from them.  A lot of things came back to my awareness, things I had healed through, and then I guess did my old patterning of looking past them and pretending like they didn’t matter when I was around them, for the sake of our relationship, to be a “happy” family.  Yet in the writing of my book Spirit brought these things up to me again to review.  Cleaning out the crevices of what hurt, anger, and unforgiveness still remained.  Over this weekend it came to me that I no longer wanted to hold their secrets.  I no longer wanted to pretend that everything was okay.  I no longer was going to hold it in myself while they walked around pretending and also truly not knowing what they did wrong.  I was no longer going to let them push aside my feelings, tell me I was wrong… and I was no longer going to play this role so they felt okay.  I no longer wanted to protect them from hurt, upset, anger, frustration — all the while hurting myself.  I no longer wanted to hold this burden.  I wanted to only protect myself.  I wanted to only parent myself.  Not them too.  It started to feel sorry for myself for carrying this burden for too long and then in my power, that this is not right and I will do it no longer for them, I needed to protect and care for myself — and only for myself, for once  in my life, when it came to my parents.  So I told my mom all I needed to tell her.  I told her I was not carrying these secrets, I was not carrying the pain, I was not carrying the memories and pretending like they didn’t happen.  She was in complete denial.  A lot of the reveal had to do about my father — which I have been telling them for years and they have been telling me I am wrong, or overreacting, or taking things out of context, or fabricating, or too sensitive — or whatever garbage.  And I told her NO, it’s the truth.  It’s my truth and I will not carry their wounds anymore.  She couldn’t take it, it was too much information, depth and overwhelm for her — and then I went into my usual and felt bad for causing her pain… for causing my father pain, cause I told her she could tell him cause I wasn’t talking to him about this anymore.  And she basically told me, in our yelling match, that why do I bother with them anymore?  I didn’t speak to them for 2 years and they pretended to be all clueless as to why I stopped talking to them — but here she was suggesting it, yes it was in her anger and her upset, but I heard her, it was advice for me.  Why do I bother?  And I left and it was an emotional Sunday — and then I got an email from my father late Sunday night telling me a final goodbye, that what he heard from my mom makes him very sad adn that he will always love me cause I am his daughter.  The whole thing was just very sad, but there was also relief.  Proud of myself.  I am no longer doing this merry go round.  I saw very clearly all the patterns that have been swirling in my mind these past 3 years with them and with my Twin Flame, and this is the end of a cycle for me.  It’s now over.  I didn’t reply back to him, like I would have in the past… like I would have felt guilty or forced to do in the past, because family is family and family should always be together.  I wasn’t even bringing it up to my mom to start a fight or say goodbye, I was merely bringing it up as a discussion, for clarity and healing.  But that’s where she went.. and that’s where my father went and I see that it’s just too much for them to handle.  They don’t want to handle it, it’s too much emotion and too much truth and too much, whatever.  This is not for me to go into, but it is what it is and I am at peace with it.  Dealing with whatever anxieties and fears that this brings up, but I am letting them go.  I am surrendering to the path and the flow.  I have been carrying too big of a burden and I have taken on too much responsibility since I was a little child.  Carrying everyone in my family’s emotions.  I cannot and will not do that anymore, it is time for me to do my work here on Earth and in a bigger way and holding this much emotion and this much burden from the family is just something that was taking too much of my energy.  So this time around, this second time of separation, I am not being in shame of it.  I am not guilty or feeling bad.  It’s not something I am hiding, it is the truth.  I am separated from my parents.  I am cut off.  I am owning this, this is who I am and I am proud to be standing in my power and emotionally caring for myself (ONLY).  And this is the part of the story that is the funny or ironic part because there wasn’t really anything “bad” that even happened in my family or when I was growing up.  And that’s what gets confusing or is sort of funny, because we get to see the whole illusion we set up for ourselves as our human experience.