June 11, 2013
I was surprised to see that I posted in here yesterday, as this morning I didn’t think I did. Strange how time is working these days. I also thought it was Wednesday today — and it’s only Tuesday. Time is operating so different these days. It’s really quite cool.
So I was going to say… why haven’t I written in awhile, but I have written! Again, funny.
Let me start out the post that way anyway, it’ll make me feel better 🙂
So why haven’t I written in awhile?
It’s because I have been thinking about my family. My father.
It’s been hard.
The desire to let go, to not even care about any of this stuff anymore — cause I feel like I don’t.
But then there’s the other part of me that feels put off, repelled.
I was originally thinking I’d “be a big girl” and call him today or email him happy birthday, but I woke up this morning and I didn’t feel like it — at all.
The idea was presented that I send him a card… and I can do that, but I notice how I have mixed feelings about that too. Resistance shows up again.
Because my fear is that he’ll email me or call me when he gets the card and I don’t want to talk to him. Sure, things may change in a few days when he gets the card, I may have released that energy and be totally done with it and okay to speak to him…
But I realized why this has been weighing on me…
It’s because my dad is needy.
On my energy. There always feels a pull on it. A draining feeling.
And then upon thinking about this more, I realize this has always been the case.
I have been trained to take care of — and be responsible for my dad’s sad feelings.
Whenever something would happen in the house and I would be upset or mad at him… I was forced to “have a talk” with him and make up — always when I didn’t want to (do either).
My mom and my father’s force. Not physical, but there was an energy expectation — I had to respond… I had to talk… I had to hug that everything was okay.
And I never wanted to.
I was constantly told to over-ride my own feelings, for the sake of his.
Because he felt sad.. or rather, maybe he felt bad or guilty for what he did, how he hurt me.
So this time around, with this re-connection or whatever it is, it’s important that I stay connected to my own feelings and what I really want to do and not do.
So if I don’t want to speak to him after he gets my card, if he calls or emails, then it’s okay that I don’t. This time around I create this relationship on my terms and honoring my emotions. Honoring my boundaries.
Related to this, something interesting happened yesterday. This guy who I find gross and needy… it’s that sensitive vibe passed me. I passed him twice before and he scared the shit out of me, cause usually when I walk I’m talking to myself and Spirit and in my own world — well all of a sudden he came upon me with his bike, from behind, and jolted me.
Each time I would get emotional, upset, and yell at him.
And each time, he’d stop to talk to me and tell me how sorry he was.
I know… a really nice guy, but I still was not liking him, in the vibe he was giving me and what he was saying, to date me.
Well I didn’t think his passing me those two times had any meaning… until it dawned on me — it was the reminder on how my dad used to startle me a lot, scare me, and would make me jump. But instead my dad would always make fun of me, what is my problem and why am I so jumpy? This reminded me of my ex too — following in the same pattern… I told my ex about how I was jumpy because of my father, that I grew up scared of him and please don’t ever come and surprise me, that I’m in my own world and you need to make some warning noises so I snap out of my trance.
Anyway, my ex never obliged and reacted the same way as my father with the “i didn’t do anything” “I’m innocent” attitude along with “what’s YOUR problem”
Well anyway, this guy who brought back these memories — the biker, well after many months of not passing him, we passed. But this time he was coming in front of me. I saw him. No more sneaking up behind me. I was ready for his passing.
And this guy was really happy to see me. He stopped his bike, put his foot down to stabilize and said my name.. and my dog’s name (obviously he had been rehearsing this moment, wanting to remember our names) – it’s been many months! And it was clear he wanted to talk.. and he wanted to ask me out, because again he had mentioned that he wanted to build his confidence (the last time I saw him) so he could ask me out.
But I didn’t want to talk to him. Something about his energy feels off to me. Doesn’t feel comfortable and inviting, even though he’s clearly sensitive and nice. There feels something dark about him… so I’m not interested.
And there I was able to do it — put down my boundary, told him I couldn’t talk and I’ll see him later.
I kept walking.
And there he was, still sitting there, upset… I saw his head go down and I felt his energy. So sad. I even feared that he would then get mad.. a pattern from my father and ex when I didn’t do something they wanted me to, when they were feeling sad….
And I just kept walking.
And this was significant. It was very clear the lesson and growth had been shown. I was standing my own ground. And I could apply this to my father too. No more taking on his energy. No more being responsible for his energy… or protecting him from sadness. That’s no my job anymore… that’s not meant to be my job ever.
And that’s what I realize with this card thing and the resistance to him reaching out to me, wanting to talk. Not my responsibility.
That’s been laid on me for too long and it’s weighed me down and made me feel horrible for too long.
Ahh… feels so good.
Breathing it in…