May 25, 2013
So what does it give me by sharing my process online? On Facebook? Publicly?
It brings me clarity to share.
A sense of pride cause I know that when something comes up it gets cleared.
I know it’s only a temporary state. I also know that some people may be concerned — that’s where the judgment comes into play — because some people tend to be stuck in their thoughts for a longer period of time, weeks, months, years — whereas these days things clear for me within a day or a few days. Very quick.
I’m proud of that, my growth. My processing ability. The wisdom.
So what does it give me?
Is it a type of showing off?
That’s kind of weird thought, since most of the time I’m sharing something that I am working through, not in my brightest light.
It draws attention.
That feeling of people looking at me like I’m a specimen.
It brings back memories of maybe when I was young.
Definitely feelings of back when I was doing marryblaire.com
People watching the freak show?
Watching just any show to see what happens?
It brings back fears that people just watch, take and I don’t get paid.
Again, this has to do with money. See how that keeps looping around? Interesting, I think. Grateful, I am 🙂
The woman who did the reading for me the other day gave me a written assignment. Back when I was 27 in 2004/2005 when MarryBlaire.com went up. She asked me to think about were people were supportive? Critical? Kind? Cruel? Try to take me down?
The thoughts that are coming to me about this now are this….
People watched me. Like a TV show. People even commented on how it was like a TV show, someone who interviewed me – I think it was Keith Olbermann said that it was like I had created my own reality show.
It was a lot of fun, I was happy to share. I didn’t care what people said, people were confused by some of my actions, others were inspired, others were in the same boat as me.
Kind of like now, how people are in the same boat with me — as lightworkers, coming into their own. That’s what I really feel guided to share. The journey of coming up and sharing your light. That’s why I think I feel the instinct to share and post my journals online, but then get freaked out and fearful — it’s old thoughts of ohh… no… I don’t want that to happen again, as in I don’t want to NOT make money off my sharing and off my venture.
Hmm… This is like I’m being given a second chance to re-write history. There was so much success and enjoyment and learning and wisdom and healing that came from that website and that journey. I got everything I was searching for through sharing that journey. I felt on top of the world. I loved all the attention and I was getting multiple press interview requests a day — and we’re talking big names like NY Times, Good Morning America, VH1, etc — huge stuff!
But the thing that really drove it home for me.
My parents. Asking where was the money?
In a way upset or disappointed (I felt in me) that I didn’t make it profitable.
Nothing came up that was worth my while. I wasn’t going to do a reality show about my dating life, that’s not what I wanted to be known for. I was a Love Expert, I wanted it to be my own show, something respectable, where I was teaching people – not that I was a mockery.
So okay… how will I do it this time differently?
In writing this I see how I do want to share this “coming out” phase. There are opportunities that could happen. I could get sponsored to share. Is it bad to be talking about how I’m coming out being a lightworker and sharing my light — when I’m in the process of doing it? Working out deals “behind the scenes”? G-d I feel such a rush when I write this. I really think this is what I am to be teaching about. I’ve been wanting to make a video about how I was nervous to speak, and then fine, and then nervous again and then how I got over it. And the issues with my wardrobe, but how I got over that too and still posted my pictures.
This feels like that website all over again, but a new topic — divine mission and making your dreams come true. Doing the path of the lightworker. What it’s like. Yes, I do want to share this. I have to think about how I will do it different.. or again, maybe I just take a step and see what comes about from it. I could always share for a few days or a week or two and then stop? But am I okay sharing money stuff – working through those issues too? Again there’s that fear of if I’m giving the work away for free, who will pay me? That’s the one regret, upset, thing that makes me feel bad about that memory from MarryBlaire.com
Exciting time. I feel I’m on the verge of something fantastic. I actually KNOW it.