June 7, 2013

I love Wendy Williams.  I always have.  She’s so real and down to earth.  And I think I’m the same as her.  She’s a Cancer like me.  From NJ.  And who knows what else.

I stopped listening to her when she got her TV Show just because I wasn’t around when it was on and now I don’t have TV.

But lately I’ve been lead to watch her YouTube Videos.

They are great — and wow, what a following.

She was just renewed for 5 more years on TV.  Fantastic.

She is just so out there with her personality.  She’s owning the stage.

It makes me feel silly for feeling insecure and being so holding in of my personality.

People always seem to be entertained by what I talk about and what I do and my life.

Yet I hide that away.

Today I watched this behind scenes video of her — getting ready to go out and I was hysterical crying.

I have always cried hysterically when watching a live taping.  The energy just overtakes me.

Today I think I got scared.

Picturing being on TV.  Picturing “performing” — picturing letting people in, like she does.

Being afraid of that.

Picturing all those people in the audience clapping and there to see me.

It just over-took me.  Funny how that has always scared the shit out of me, yet I have always wanted it — or rather, known that that was the path for me.

I am going to keep watching this video this week, to get used to the energy, used to shining.

I want to shine like Wendy.

But again it requires you put your personality OUT — put your energy OUT — and I’m so in the habit of keeping it in, contracting, shrinking.

The other adjustment here is that she has this mindset that 1) I am who I am, emotional, quirky, “a mess” as she calls herself and 2) she has the mindset that people love me.

People know the real me and people love me.

I am sure it helped her to start like that behind a mic, doing radio for so long.  Not seeing people’s faces.

And then I’m sure it was an adjustment to seeing people’s reactions through doing TV and a live audience.  But by then people already loved her and she had a huge following.

So that’s something I need to rework in my head.

That I am outrageous.  That I can be out there.  That I am out there.  Vulnerable, wacky, and fun — and that people love me.

I’ve always gone into this fear.  Into this being afraid.  Into this place that people don’t like me… and then I’ve hid.

You can’t hide in Entertainment.  People are paying to see your light.

Even just writing that is making me cry again.

Yep… it’s a crying, processing day.

Getting myself ready for this.  Getting adjusted.  It’s time…!  Time for me to come out of hiding and shine my light — big time.  I can’t walk around being insecure anymore.  I need to let that go.  There’s no place for that in show business.  Or rather, there’s no place for that in the type of person I am going to be in show business.

I need to step up to another level of loving myself.

Loving myself like Wendy loves herself.

(Breathing that in.  Still crying…. letting myself be comforted)

The other thing I notice here and really like is how supported she is, with all the people around her, helping her.  Yes, I welcome that too.

Thank you.  Thank you for helping me transform.  I will get ready for this.  Gracefully, easily, enjoyably.  Thank you.  Going BIG!  (Funny, that’s the proposed title of my show) 🙂