January 18, 2013
I got off the computer to go to sleep but I have been mulling over this critique group tonight and it is bothering me. So I had to turn on the light and whip out my computer.
I wrote an email to my friend who is one of the co-organizers of the group, I also posted on the group’s page my feedback about tonight’s writer’s group.
I realize how FOR TOO LONG I have been taking a back seat, taking the “high” road to look past people’s rude behavior. Isn’t that what I always do…
It’s like I take it and then feel bad about how I’m treating them… am I being nice?
Fuck that!
I am validating myself. Just what I was talking about earlier today about how I hardly ever get or have ever gotten validation from my parents.
This has been a pattern that has followed me and come to the surface and more of my awareness with my ex.. who, no surprise, never validated my experience either.
In validating myself, those girls were mean tonight.
She may not have wanted to hear a critique about her writing but it was rude of her to make faces and roll her eyes with another group member about this.
It was hurtful — TO ME.
Here I was offering her help on how to make her book a bestseller – which I realize now as well that these are probably higher hopes than she even has for herself! – and what kind of THANKS do I get in exchange? I get rolling of eyes and making faces. Totally unprofessional.
I also wrote a letter to the organizer of the group sharing on how this other organizer I find to be incredibly rude and unprofessional. I was composing an email to this other organizer personally but then thought that the way to go about doing this is to express my thoughts/feelings to the main leader – top of the chain line.
This person doesn’t like enforcing any rules, nor does this person feel comfortable speaking up and addressing things. This leaves me where? On my own taking care of this.
I debated keeping my mouth shut. Ignoring it and moving on, but isn’t this what I’ve done for over a year now with her? Yes.
She clearly doesn’t like me. I don’t give a shit. I have never done anything to her and my opinion is that you act professional. You are one of the leaders of this group – act professional.
I debated the fact that this is not an ideal world and the only reason why she’s a co-organizer is because she is available to host meetings… but regardless, I don’t think it’s right how she so obviously shows her dislike for me. Ignoring me when I arrive early and it’s just us two. Not even a hello or a little bit of small chat. Instead she continues eating or writing notes in her notebook. RUDE.
Or her gossiping or rolling her eyes about me with other group members. UNPROFESSIONAL.
So in validating myself, yes, I’m hurt by this.
Not to play victim, but this is how I feel.
I spoke out. No more being silenced.
I feel like I “should” have been firmer when i was in group tonight and the rolling of eyes and making faces when I was giving feedback that clearly this girl couldn’t take. I should have addressed the organizer directly in front of the others. She was doing it right there. Called her out. That would have definitely caused an uncomfortable tension filled situation… but how is that NOT okay yet it’s OKAY that she’s behaving in that way towards me??
I totally picked up on it emotionally and energetically — yet my mouth kept silent.
I hope and I pray that I catch those things sooner. That the connection between high emotion and intuitive insights combine and I STAND UP FOR MYSELF WITH STRANGERS right there, right away.
So now I am thinking this looks like I’m unevolved. That I spend my time and energy on this stupid stuff. But this is important. This is a taking back of my power in all situations. I haven’t been to writer’s group in awhile. Haven’t dealt with this stuff in a long time. THE NEW BLAIRE IS BACK.
She’s not taking it anymore.
I still like their feedbacks and still want their feedbacks so I hope this doesn’t jeopardize me being in the group… and that’s the fear and shrinking piece… but this is about speaking up and still being THERE.
People in the past complained about something and then disappeared from the group. I have learned a few months ago, maybe longer that just because I am unhappy about something and speak up doesn’t mean that I have to retreat. I stay there. I stay present. I stay in my power.
I am guessing… hoping… maybe praying that one day I don’t have to be so much in this fight and defend mode, but I do understand that this is the face I tend to show these days. So be it.
I honor my journey.
And that’s the power of THE WARRIOR WOMAN!!! 🙂