March 15, 2013

The last few days have been tricky with this author coming in to speak.  There’s so many layers of bullshit that it’s too much of a hassle and waste of time to write it all out here.

Basically I don’t know what to do.

On one hand, I’m being guided… I think… to push forward, and not let the other members of the group hold me back.  They are taking an insane amount of time discussing every little detail of the event.  It’s pissing me off and reminding me of situations I’ve been in the past… Me moving faster than others, then being required to wait until they got their slow asses to catch up.

So my feeling is, move forward – with or without them.

But then this brings up guilt.  I worry that this is backstabbing.

I was bringing this author to my writing group — but they don’t have their act together — so I can let him know it’s not working out, but I still want to interview him.

And this is where the fear and guilt comes up.

Yes, I’m moving forward — but it’s going to make a whole lot of people upset.

Like I’m the one who’s screwing them.. but really it’s them who are causing the issue, delaying with setting up a date.

I have made myself available all week.  Loads of emails back and forth and phone calls as well.

It’s stressed me out.

Fear and paranoia that if I’m not available when the leader is ready to talk that they are going to plan this without me.  Sabotage, jealousy.

But this won’t happen.  It’s my fear and my soul’s wounding that I’m healing through right now that is causing this all to be highlighted.

So what am I to do?

Spirit also guided me that this is not about judgment.  It’s not about “I don’t like them” or “they are bad” — but simply a thing, that I’m not drawn towards their energy — I’m actually really put off.

I see that same soul wounding coming up with how I was trying to bring this writer in — to make my potential enemies my friends — this unconscious pattern — because of this past lifetime karma that I brought in to fix.  And again, I’m healing through this — and see it very clearly now.  I should have just … well I don’t know the other way I should have went about this… again, I’m healing,… and sometimes, like now, when this happens, you go through a confusing time.  Not sure which way to act.

I don’t want to spend my time and energy trying to befriend potential detractors — i want to just move forward towards my dreams.

I’m not sure what to do here.

I’ve already written this author a million emails back and forth.  This annoys people.  Especially busy people, no one has time for this.

The only reason I was going back and forth was because I was confirming my questions and things that the other members had about the organization of the event.  But this is my reputation on the line.  Not like it’s a huge deal, but I’d like to keep this guy as a contact.  I just emailed him the other day, with this bullshit and non-action and around in circles from these people, that I’m sorry but unfortunately it doesn’t look like it’s going to work out — but that I’d still like to ask him questions / interview him… so now what?  These people may get their act together with less than two weeks to go and I’m supposed to email him AGAIN saying, oh, forget about it, it’s back on?

Fucking crazy town.

And the problem here is that many people in my group and the leaders have drugs and alcohol addiction that runs in their family.  Co-dependency is a big issue.  When you have a drug/alcohol thing going on in your home, things really don’t make sense.  Now I get at a deeper level why I get so frustrated by the organizers, they’re running around trying to please everyone in their life — so as a result, they can never take a stand and move forward, they have no time for anything, because they are so overworked and saying “yes” to everyone and everything that there’s no energy or time left.

Like I said, there is a lot of layers here — plus coupled with the fact that I”m healing and old ways of blocking myself from moving forward, for my past life fear/karma was operating is falling away that I’m in this confusion stage.

It’s best to just do nothing.

Thank G-d for the weekend being here.  It means people won’t be expecting an email or phone reply.  Let them take care of this event on their own right now.  I really am so disinterested and simply not spending anymore TIME or ENERGY on this event anymore.  I was making myself too available and they were taking advantage.. and now I’m not jumping when they are available to plan, not even listening to what I’ve suggested anyway.

The whole thing is fucking crazy.

Oh g-d, please help.

PS:  Big signs of LADYBUG thanks to Magic the last few days. and loads of 777, 999, and 222

PSS:  Making great progress on my book, so fucking great!!  Been waking up at 5AM to write.  LOVE IT.


The appearance of a Ladybug heralds a time of luck and
protection in which our wishes begin to be fulfilled.
Fall and Spring are the most abundance times for a person with a Ladybug totem.

Higher goals and new heights are possible with a Ladybug totem.
Worries begin to dissipate.  New happiness comes about.

Their presence signals a time of shielding from our own aggravations and pests.
Its coloring, red and black, is a warning to predators
and we need to give that same clear warning to our enemies.
Stay back!  I’m dangerous if attacked!
Lady bug is never the aggressor, but it will defend.

Ladybug also cautions not to try to hard or go to fast to fulfill our dreams.
Let things flow at their natural pace.
In the due course of time, our wishes will all come true.