January 26, 2013

Went on my walk late in the day with Magic.

Two 999’s back to back

999 — Get to work, Lightworker! The world needs your Divine life purpose right now. Fully embark upon your sacred mission without delay or hesitation.

Day and night, my life has been this new book I am writing about my ex and I, our relationship.

Since I am writing it I am going through a transition.  Back to the beginning of the relationship.  At first it was hard to remember our happy beginnings and now I have been sitting in them.

New realizations have been coming up – more than I already had, which was a lot.. and I’ve been thinking about it.

Those dead animals started coming into life when I started writing this book.  Haven’t been able to figure out what they were meaning, so I emailed the two ladies who head up both the websites that I frequent about totem animals.  One said one thing, the other said another.

My intuition says the second interpretation was the one that was right for me.

This is some of what she wrote….

Animals are superiorly connected to the source of life…a super-conscious connection. With no ego-consciousness to interfere, I believe animals can willingly choose to flip the switch of transition between experiences. This observation (a ‘dead’ animal on my path) reminds me of the power of choice, and how purposefully conscious choices can be incredibly profound (sometimes with life-and-death implications).

Symbolic keywords I would assign to help interpret a symbolic ‘dead’ animal sighting would include: Revolution, Transition, Evolution, Recycling, Cycles, Choice


What comes to mind here is the transition.  Transition of how the relationship went in my mind.  Several times during the week I was tempted to write about regret.  Regret I had about how things had gone between us.  I still deeply love him, yes.  And I also have been thinking about our lives are already written out for us and we just have a choice on how we want to experience them…. it gets confusing and I am still sorting it all out.

But I think my unconscious mantra was that if I had just spoke my mind, pulled back and slowed us down, followed my intuition, that we may have turned out differently.

What came to me while I was walking was that this is my opportunity to do that.  I still think about him, yes.  After all of the shitty things he did to me, all the ways he hurt me, I still very much dream of him.

This was a painful realization for me over the last few weeks before the idea came to start writing this book.  I was starting to check men out and entertain the idea of getting to know someone and I kept on comparing the men to him.  It was a screwy thing, something I didn’t understand, nor did I want to pay attention to it – but there it was.

I would fight with my mind to forget him and move on, but I would also be sad about what has transpired.

(Wow, as I’m writing this 999999 is all over my screen, wow)

Anyway, this is such a long post already.  Basically, I see this book right now, as my opportunity to “recycle” the information.  For me to finally tell my side of the story, since for so long – the whole time we were together and even now being apart – I haven’t told my story to anyone, I know no one would understand, since it has had so many layers.  Now this is my turn to come clean.  To tell my truth.  To re-write history.  To share my pain.  It was a terribly painful relationship and a very hard 3 years.

It’s also my opportunity to re-write us.  Whether this gets us back together or not, I don’t know – and yes, I know that’s crazy thinking, I can’t even go there… but throughout our relationship, I hated that I tended to take a leading position.  I contacted him while we were separated and told him I missed him and wanted to come out to England.  He was waiting for me to contact him over all these months and he quickly sent a ticket.

Even a few months ago, I was the one who contacted him to tell him I was thinking of him, since we’re so connected as Twin Flames, I still feel him… and he does, me.

But it wasn’t him who had the balls to connect with me and email me that, I did to him.

So this is a way for me to think of him all I want while I am writing this story.  Recognize that it’s just temporary obsession, again for writing purposes.  I constantly tell Spirit how it is so hard to write this and I feel so emotional going through this relationship again and that I’m only doing it for them… and I know I am supposed to… but then to let it go.  No wondering or psychic eavesdropping trying to figure out his state of mind or try to figure out if we’re going to get back together.  Just let it be.  Hold the space for him to do whatever he’s going to do and whatever is for the highest good and just surrender.

This is my chance to show that I’ve learned what I was to learn (one of the lessons) from the time we were together and to simply be.  Not let him suck my energy and pull my force to him, but to stay centered, grounded and let him come to me.  (without doing any manifesting, manipulation, praying or control).  I did too much of that in our relationship and it drained me.

This is my chance to choose to do things differently.  To transition to a place of power and worth.  I feel I may be obsessing.  It’s the beauty of writing our story.  I think of it as sick to be thinking so much of an ex and missing what once was, but again I need to keep focused on the writing.  It’ll motivate me to finish the book faster than I possibly normally would.

What will be will be.  This is my opportunity to release that regret, pull in my energy, hold the space for him to step up in his growth and to the plate if he so chooses too (which I highly doubt .. and this was the exact lack of faith that kept me working so hard in our relationship / exhausting myself) – and surrender.


It’s been kind of tough, but I will do it.

I want to do my relationships differently.  And I will.  Now is my chance to show it.