June 9 , 2013

I should add that today I am feeling really tired (which feels like… again) and sadness.

I can’t help but wonder if the sadness is due to the boredom and also the desire to avoid stepping into my new life of actually doing stuff and putting myself out there.

It felt kind of pathetic today when I went to lay on my couch again.  It was like, come on Blaire, go do something different.  Make an effort.

But I am so bored here.  I have no idea what to do.  And I also — well part of me — doesn’t feel like doing it myself, but then also doesn’t feel like putting out the effort to make friends.

Let’s just say I was having a sad day today — cause I did.

It feels like my soul is ready to move forward, ready to let go of all the resentments and totally forgive and just let it all go — and there’s a part of me that wants to do that too, but then the other part of me that just doesn’t feel ready — that just doesn’t want to.

But I know that time is now — or approaching.

With seeing my uncle yesterday with having not seen him in 2 years and not spoken in longer.

Dreams about family members…

The better relationship again with my nana, there was some issues going on there too…

And then with my father’s birthday and father’s day coming up.

It’s like all of it at once.  The big dump.  And I just feel sad about it.  That’s the only word for it.  Sad.

My cards today were showing that I’m at an end of a cycle… and to celebrate, the bittersweet of an ending, the celebration of the new coming in… and I think there was one more card showing the end of something.  So there you go…

I’m going to clean my bathtub and take a bath.  Then I’m going to move my bed and sleep closer to the wall.  Weird, I know, but I feel like having the comfort of the corner.

With my dad — I do feel sad about missing him.  At least I think that’s my sadness, but then I question if it’s just me feeling his energy.  Cause I feel his desire to hear from me on his birthday and I also feel his deep sadness with his baby girl not being in his life.  I feel his deep love for me.  He really loves me a lot… I feel sad for him.

But that’s his sadness… and that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m missing him or I’m sad with him not being in my life now — and I recognize the same pattern I had with my ex.  Many times re-connecting with him again, not because I was necessarily wanting or ready to speak to him, but because I felt him wanting to talk to me.. and his sadness.

So I am conscious of that pattern, conscious of the energy transference and I want to get a good read on it – clarity – on what I am truly feeling and what I want to do.. and not just go call him and email him because I feel him calling out to me.

The idea of calling him doesn’t feel good to me and neither does emailing him.  But is that me just resisting letting go and forgiving?  Again, just cause you forgive doesn’t mean that person needs to be in your life…

So still, I don’t know.

I’m showing compassion for myself.

And I’m not rushing anything and trying to not put pressure on myself to get this right by the time his birthday comes along.

I also realized when I was taking a walk that it’s almost been a year since my ex and I broke up.

It’s now been a year since I last saw him…

And I’m in a totally different place this year than I was last year.

I was and still am taking time tonight to appreciate that.  All the shit that he did, the ways he treated me, same with my parents and really all my relationships — well I would never let that happen again.  This has been a big year of growth and healing for me.  I’m grateful for that.

And also as I was walking, looking for the positives of this time, appreciating what I could.. in my sadness.. I smiled and laughed, as I said, well I’m grateful for this time to myself, the silence, the solitude, because soon I’ll have a camera following me everywhere I go.

Reality TV baby.


Getting ready for that… It feels like I’m going to step into that any day now.

And something interesting I noticed while walking… a license plate holder that said “exceeding expectations”

I took that as a message from G-d and my guides/angels… that they will exceed my expectations with my dreams.  Since that’s what I was thinking of during my walk.

Sounds good to me.

Bath time.


PS:  And yes, it has become very clear that once I let this go that all my dreams will happen.  I know — and actually I’ve known for awhile that this is the last part of it (and it’s been the hardest) – to release all that old anger and energy — cause once you let all of that go it frees up your energy to live the life you have been desiring.  I also think of it as a present — many presents — from the Universe.  Pure celebration and bliss.

With that said, I’m still going at the pace that feels comfortable to me.  It has to be an authentic release or otherwise it will just take longer to go through.

PSS:  I just realized that I got my sensitivity from my dad.  He’s as sensitive as I am — but had to turn it off when he was a child / something with his family of origin, his mom.

He’s also the healer in our family (he’s a doctor).  It makes sense now… and wow, that’s who I got that gift from.  My mom is psychic and my father is the healer.

Wow, I’ve never thought of either of those things before (knew my mom was psychic… but I’m saying the stuff about my dad), but now I get it.  I have to journal about this and think about it more.  Makes me want to cry…. lots of tears today.