November 28 2012

The world has recently become a more loving place.  A nicer place.  I think this has to do with the noticings I’ve been having in my business and my awareness of overall what’s been going on.

You see before I used to feel I had to protect myself from other people.  I didn’t realize this consciously, but it was very much a thought process that was operating in me.  When I would post something on my blog…whether it be a video or a blog post… I felt I was up for possible attack.  I would be vulnerable, people would know my internal thoughts or feelings… and then they could criticize.  Be on their high horse and judge me.

Even though I felt judged, I still did it.
(Now I really wonder why…)

I would send out newsletters and people wouldn’t reply.  It was like I was being ignored. Or silently made fun of.  Again, I didn’t realize this consciously – but I always felt uneasy.  Always felt afraid.  Always worried of attack.

Of people talking about me.  Making fun of me.  Judging me.  Criticizing me.

Normally they say no news is good news…. but the silence to me was deadly.  It worried me.  Why were they looking at me.  Thinking negatively about me.  Silently mocking me.  Why was I such a freak.  I didn’t want to be on observation, yet I put myself there cause I felt I had something to share.

And this went on for years.  But now I have more clarity.  More understanding.  More has been coming to light since I sent out that last email that I shared with you guys about how I am having my mailing list only be of people who are personally working with or soon to be…

People wrote how much they love me.  How long they’ve been on my mailing list… How much they’ve learned from me, etc.  They were sad that I was saying goodbye to them.

(Which again, it was just a “hey, move over to Facebook…” but I understand that everyone reads that message and interprets based on their own stuff)

So now things have changed for me.

There is still somewhat silence going on with Facebook and YouTube videos, as in no or low comments, but I see it different.  I see myself as this leader.  The one with wisdom and knowledge that I am sharing.  And that the people who are reading are private or shy.  I no longer see them as out to get me cause they aren’t commenting, appreciating, or sharing my work.. I just see them as who they are.  More innocent.  More likable.  More reading, understanding, processing… on their own.  Not that they are reading and mocking.  Not out to get me.  But learning from me…. and for some this is a solo thing.  A silent thing.  A private thing.  I am getting it more and more.

So in any event…. the world has become nicer.

Doing my events have become more comfortable.  Same deal as with cyberspace… goes with events.  Now I look at these events as people coming to learn from me… rather than before, thinking they were out to criticize and judge me.

I know this has changed, because I have done healing on myself to change this…

I have been working on it with my healer quite a lot.

It feels much better to live this way.  Amen.