June 19, 2013

Well, I was just reminded that I made plans to go to a Karate/Kickboxing Class tonight.  Of course I will be tempted to NOT go, but I told myself I would — it would benefit me to be around fun, energetic people, MY AGE, make new friends and do exercise…. I’m going!

In other news, this is what came to me – the fear about going for your dreams….

It feels like there’s so much on the line.

I have it in my head that this is what I’m doing now.  This is what I want now.  This is what my mind is now.

Usually we put the timeline in G-d’s hands.  But I am set on this is the time it has to — I need it to – I want it to happen.  There’s nothing else going on in my life!

So I’m super focused on that.

And when you have “all your eggs in one basket” so to speak, #1 it has to work out.

And that’s the fear… it has to work out.

It’s like now you’re putting your money where your mouth is.

Okay, you’ve had this dream your whole life… and now you decide to actually pursue it — to actually make it happen — and how heartbreaking would that be if it didn’t happen?

Now I’m not giving it much thought, cause that’s sad.

Well, yea, okay, I will go there…. I’d be really sad.  Feel like a fool.  A failure.

It’s the fear of saying — Spirit, this is what I want, this is what I dream about day and night.  Now I’m going after it….  and this is where Spirit stops me.  Can’t go there.

It will happen.

It will happen.

You have to keep going — and all you focus on is it will happen.

But I will just say…. it is must “safer” for people to say they have a dream of doing x and then they don’t pursue it but keep that dream in their head…. then they are not disappointed if it doesn’t happen and they don’t get their hopes up… or feel silly, etc. if it doesn’t happen.

But then again, I’m reminded — “you’re given dreams to make happen.” — I’ve always said, G-d doesnt’ give you dreams to tease you with them — he gives you dreams so you can make them happy, they’re your blueprint of your heart to make happen.

Still going for this….

By the way, I pulled a card (I have a bunch others to go for) and got that the direction I’m going is not right.  I take this as all the follow up, the working hard to make things happen, my old way of being….. I can still have what I want, but need to go about it another way.

Which is what I want to do anyway, given this early morning dream/prayer to G-d about please helping me receive it, I feel exhausted by pursuing it.

And my tolerance must be real low to this type of stuff, because I didn’t even start my full force “attack” — grateful that I don’t need to do that or be like that anymore.  Grateful my body / heart / soul warned me and I listened… that it just wasn’t feelin’ it.

Backing off.

If I’m praying, I need to be trusting and slow down to listen.  To let SPIRIT LEAD.

We don’t pray and then CHARGE FORWARD and that’s what I feel I was doing these days, even if, it was mostly in my head planning out my action.  Grateful.  More trust.  More in the unknown.  I would rather Spirit lead, now I just need to manage my emotions, and be in trust that they are guiding.

I do notice how it’s easier to be when we are constantly doing.  No anxiety.  Or actually less anxiety — because you feel like you’re in control.

This makes me think of people pursuing love.  Hmm…. maybe something good to put on one of my webpages.