June 14, 2013
Yesterday I started wondering again why I was thinking of myself as a loser – AGAIN
I had reasoned with myself about the Facebook thing and things in general, what I thought was causing me to think of myself as a loser. You know, the post about hanging out with people who were left out when I was a kid — feeling bad for them — so I thought I was thinking I was a loser because I was friendly with those people, making them feel like they belonged.
BUT yesterday this thought was coming into my mind again. And I was like, why? What is the root of this?
And then yesterday it dawned on me when I was at the turtle walk. When all these people were yapping away as we were walking out to the beach, and I was being quiet, not in the mood to talk to others, plus I went by myself which I am perfectly fine and happy doing. It dawned on me again how I don’t have a big need to be with others. I don’t really care about it. I was going to the event because I really wanted to see the turtles.
And that’s all what I cared about. I was also thinking how I want to do more animal and wildlife while I’m down here… and again, I don’t do that to meet people, I do it because I am curious about animals and I love being around them.
So I was realizing again just at a different level what my motivations and interests are. And they’re not really people. They never have been. And I was accepting of this. Happy for myself. In love and peace with myself.
And then I realized that the judgment and label of loser is from judgments or my assumptions based on what my mom has said to me about me not hanging out with many friends or having plans or whatever. Whenever we talk about something I can feel her thoughts and her disapproving looks.
So that’s where the label of loser comes from.
Just because I don’t have the same needs as her. I’m a loser by her.
And that’s why it has stuck. And that’s why it’s so engrained.
How sad. I’m letting this go. Hopefully by that dream last night, I think I must have let it go — it just makes me a bit sad writing about this now, thinking how could a mother do that to a daughter?
But let’s just move on.