June 2, 2013

So my intention with helping people has changed.  Maybe.

I wanted to write this out here to get clear since it’s been on my life for a few days now.

When I was doing marryblaire.com — or rather when it happened – my intention was to inspire people.  That if I found love, they could too.

What ended up happening was that people were also empowered and went through healing, as I did.  This was before I even knew what healing was.  By sharing my story it healed me.

Then I went into more work with people one on one.  I went from helping “the masses” through that website — which was a sort of disconnected way, helping from afar.  People were responsible for their own lives.  I didn’t know much of their stories, except for the thank yous they were sending me that they were in the same situation as me and appreciation for me sharing my story and rooting me on.

But after that site was over, I went into singlehood.  Singlehood meaning working more one on one with people.  And that’s what seemed to be downhill.  Well, not really.  It’s part of my path so I bless it and appreciate it cause it’s gotten me where I am here….

But I think I was happier doing the mass teaching.

Although working one on one with people was very fulfilling.  My heart was activated, there was more intimate connections.  So I liked that too.

Well, now I’m heading back into mainstream.  And teaching to masses and it feels more expansive.

I am going to write a teaching lesson on Facebook now, from my life and I am giving of it freely.

My ego is holding me back.  Trying to protect me.  Why am I sharing something for free again?

Why am I writing it instead of doing my TV pitch work.

You’re procrastinating.  And maybe I am…. I have been doing it big time lately.  Not keeping commitments to myself / the word I gave myself about doing work on this pitch.  I need to be ready for Monday.  HELLO!  Come on!

So as I am writing up my pitches, I am thinking, what is my intention for this project, this next phase of my life?

And let’s just throw out some ideas here to help me get more clear…

I like teaching to the masses, because it is impersonal in a way.  You share to a “empty space” — a “grande abyss” and then you make assumptions about how it was received.

You stay in your own energy.  You stay in your own imagination.

I feel good after I share.  I see it reaching many people, empowering them, inspiring them, healing them.

This is again all in my mind.  My imagination.

BUT I notice when I focus on one on one work that it keeps me feeling small, stuck, constricted.

I am focused on the exchange.  If I am sharing my work with you, person A, then what are you giving me in return.

Whereas when I share with the masses I assume, expect that I am reaching many people and on the marryblaire.com website I would get something back in return.  New emails from people, praise, press requests etc.  There was always something returning.

Now I went through a phase on my public blog months ago, when this whole thing (this private blog you are reading now) started and I was pissed.  I was posting things and no one was saying thank you back or making comments.  It was really ticking me off.  Give, give, give.  Nothing returned.  Fuck that.

So I stopped.  Which was good.  The right move for me.

So again when working one on one with people, since it was the only thing going on in my life, I would get overly involved in people’s journeys.  This would be a problem for me.    Again, too narrow focus.  I care too much and it didn’t work out well for me.

So here’s where I’m coming to from brainstorming on here / sharing my feelings and thoughts…. with me going into TV, sharing and teaching with the masses, it’s a way for me to reach many people.  Millions.  Help more people, help change their lives.  Inspire them.  Empower them.  Entertain them.  But again, since I don’t know them personally (like I do my private students) – I am not involved in their day to day personal lives.  There’s this detachment.

So I get to stay in my happy place of sharing and doing.
I get paid by the network to teach, which makes me happy and I have my needs satisfied.

And then I receive emails and feedback from viewers.

And those who want personal help, etc contact me on their own.  They reach out to me, purchase, sign up, whatever for help.

There’s total non-attachment.

And I think that works best for my personality.

To be in my flow, happy, creating, sharing, teaching.

Staying in my creative — manifesting mode.

Not effected by other people’s energies.

Because I think that’s what has been the stopping point for me (one of them) – it was the trying to get people to sign up, trying to get more clients…. and then getting stopped because if person A had resistances come up, then this meant I could NOT teach, and I would NOT get paid.

There was so much riding on this one person.  Or these three people.  Or five people, or whatever.

Whereas by doing it this way, teaching to the masses, TV – it puts me back in an empowered place.

In my own energy, moving at the speed I want to, doing what I want to, sharing, teaching, helping, healing.  Being creative.  Dreaming big.  All the things that light me up…. minus people’s stops.

It’s okay for them….

When I don’t know about them, for the most part.

But when my dreams rely on them, I get cranky.

I see this pattern.  I see how this has been happening.

One of the “problems” with being a healer, helper, really sensitive, and caring about others…

Nice.  It makes sense to me now.  Nice.