January 18, 2013
I’ve been hanging out with my mom a lot lately. Too much really. It went from fun and exhilarating (well, maybe not exhilarating, but definitely fun and lots of laughter) to just too much time spent together.
I notice how it’s been hard for me to be with her and simply receive. I receive from her (and my father) in the way of money, she is always offering to buy me stuff and taking me out to eat, but other than that I have to be very cautious and keep reminding myself to protect my energy and not take on her energy and emotions. This has been a task for me….
The thing that I wanted to talk about today is success. My success.
I’ve known this for years… what I’m going to share with you…. but the way it came through yesterday stirred me a bit differently – and that’s about success.
I realized yesterday that I will feel like a success when my mom says I am. When she acknowledges my gifts. When she tells me she is proud of me. When she does this often and more than any sort of weird look she gives me, comment, or judgment.
Well this is never going to happen.
It’s not something she purposefully does to hurt me, she’s just not made in the way I would want her to be. She can’t see all of my beauty. She’s really just not able to see my gifts.
This makes me very sad. I’ve been sad about this many times throughout my life, but again it just touched me in a different way yesterday.
It was like this….
Blaire, you can go through any list of things that will happen in your life… you can accomplish a million things… which you already have done so much in your life… but you keep pushing yourself to do more and be more so that your mom will “see” you… so she will acknowledge you… so she will validate you… and you know what, this is never going to happen.
Never.
To my mom I’m somewhat invisible. I’m not good enough (again, these are my interpretations of this). I will never be anything exciting until I make loads and loads of money. This is how I get on her map. (again this is how I feel). This is how I will be worthy, this is how I will be worthwhile. This, to her, is how I will be a success.
And no wonder that this has been my biggest struggle these days… all comes back to money. Not feeling worthy, not feeling my gifts are good enough, that my healing is the best.
It’s really sad but I need to let it go, somehow.
Yes, another layer to heal. And yes, I have worked on this before and before and before.
What would my life be like if I never looked towards my mom for validation?
We are so trained to look towards our parents for a “good job” but as I hang out with my mom more and more I am reminded that this is never going to happen.
It’s not like she’s a cruel bitch, cause she’s not. She’s just not there. We are different people and she has her own healing to do. She has her own self acceptance to do. She has her own mommy issues to deal with… which are not being dealt with and whatever, this is all her stuff, not mine and again I should be OUT of her energy field.
So what would my life be like if I only looked towards myself for validation? For the “ruling” on success?
Well, I would be a success.
I am so damn proud of myself but end up feeling like shit when around her for too long.
I was doing well for so long not having a relationship with my parents, but now that they are back in my life I have a challenge, it’s like taking it up a step… validate myself… look towards myself for the definition of success.. and disregard really mostly anything they say.
Again, stay in the RECEIVING mode and RECEIVE anything that they can give me. Stop giving to them like I give (this is having to do with my mom). Stop in her energy field. Stop trying to heal her or help her or figure her out. Just leave her alone. No more educating her. No more nothing. Just let her be who she wants to be and receive whatever I am able to receive from her being my mom.
Stay in receiving mode.
Let her be my mom and give.
And let me validate myself and let me step into and STAY IN THE PLACE where I feel successful ALWAYS.
(And yes, I am reminded of people I will catch glimpses of from time to time who have moms who are really supportive, ohh how I have wished and prayed so many times to have a mom like that… who sees my gifts and rewards them. Well, it ain’t going to happen. Accept it. Deal with it. It ain’t never going to happen in this lifetime. Never. Stop trying to get your hopes up. It’s not happening.)