April 19, 2013

So as I shared in a previous post I had more people come to my talk last night.

And the plus here as well is that everyone who signed up and paid — came as well.

I see this as significant because before there were many people who would sign up, pay and then not come.

I think this change has to do with me being more committed to the work and to showing up.

More passionate about what I’m teaching.

And also more stabilized as to what Spirit wants me to speak about as well.

Now, not like I was not committed before

And not like I wasn’t passionate before

and not like I wasn’t talking about what Spirit wanted me to talk about before…

And this is where it can get a little tricky or hard to understand — and things I’m still processing too.

But I think all along Spirit was still preparing me.  I had special lessons to learn by people not showing up, etc that I had to get through before I arrived at this place.

I think that was it.

I think — I know — I had things to heal.  So there were trickles of people, sort of like little crumbs that Spirit was giving me so I would continue.. so I would feel the HIGH of teaching and sharing and connecting to Spirit… but it would keep me really pissed about the whole thing, again having to heal stuff inside of me.

I also noticed that the whole time I was really in command of the talk and everyone was listening very attentively.

I think that could still feel funny at times.  Like you’re on and on talking, but I knew something was coming through that was important.

It’s about stepping aside, out of the way of the sharing.  Letting Spirit run the show.

Trusting Spirit, trusting myself to step aside – not interfere.

My confidence was much stronger yesterday — and I also think — I know, when you don’t have confidence, you don’t command attention.

I’ll talk about this in my next post.

I also want to say here that at the end, we did a walking activity to look for signs.  I noticed the change of my energy, insecurity, as I doubted the exercise I was giving.  I knew it was going to be too hard for 2 maybe 3 people — and it kind of was.

I was upset for most of the night after that, that I lost my confidence somewhere — but I have to forgive myself for this and look at how great overall the evening was.

I’m sure the people attending didn’t even notice or care, but it made me feel uncomfortable, sad, disappointed.

I noticed while I was driving to the event, I was a little nervous about what to share.

I was like… how can I share a message that will be helpful to everyone attending?

I felt the desires to please everyone

To want the new people attending to like me so they’d come back.

I had to work through that fear yesterday…