March 10, 2013

So yesterday, all day, I was hyped up over this writer coming to speak.  I had visions of us recording it, me dressing up, and interviewing him like Oprah.  This is my chance, this is my gig, this is what I do!!  A natural born interviewer.

There were fears of some people in my writing group being jealous.  Saying things like “Who is she to be doing the meeting like this?  Why is she interviewing him?  What is this, the Blaire Show?”  And shit like that.

And yes, I am in charge of this — well, aren’t I?

Fear came up of some of the organizers or group members getting in my way.  Saying I can’t do it the way I want to.  Me having to hide the way I want to do the interview.  The way I will be presenting it.

Everything is casual in my writing group.  Writers are casual.  Also, many in my group are shy, insecure, jealous, and catty.  Yes, I know that’s a generalization, but those are the people I am talking about when I write there.

When I wanted to arrange for a smaller group of us to meet some people in the group had issues with it.  Writing nasty letters to the leader, attacking my character.  The leader, who isn’t really a “leader” in my eyes, let these other people have their way (again, in my eyes) — he let them take me down, bended everything that we were trying to do to grow the group and let these other people stint someone’s growth, their agenda, to get more feedback on writing their book.

It was fucking ridiculous.

So here when I didn’t check in with the organizational group to contact this author, to arrange dates, to find a location, to do research on him, to prepare questions, etc… I just went for it.  I was a leader.

And now the main organizer is happy about it – but putting it out to other members to see if they have any concerns.  What?  What kind of concerns do you have about this?  The whole thing is ridiculous.  Basically he’s checking to see if they want to bitch and moan that I went after and got this opportunity.

And its interesting how childhood wounds come into every aspect of life.  I notice how I am protecting my agenda.

Not sharing with them how I’ve been searching out locations — and there’s tiredness coming on, because I am doing all this work ON MY OWN, which is something I don’t want to do anymore.  A pattern I’d like to let go.

I am keeping quiet from them how I want to – and plan to interview this guy and also how I plan on having it recorded and want to put it up on my YouTube Channel.

I’m sure that one or many of those things, this one guy in particular will have an issue with.  Try to keep me down.

And this is what concerns me.  Am I being sneaky (yes) or protective (yes) of my idea, my vision?

And notice how I have this come up, fears of being told NO, NO to my dream, NO to my vision.  I’ve been excited by so many things in my life — I happen to get passionate and excited about many things, and I remember being told NO by my mom… that my vision wasn’t correct.  That I couldn’t do it like that, etc.  Again, trying to take away my POWER.  This all comes back to power.

So this time I was thinking of arranging it on my own and not telling them, until they arrive.

But this gives me anxiety, makes me feel uncomfortable and even more nervous about interviewing this guy.  I want to be relaxed or as relaxed as I could be during this interview — rather than nervous about being in front of a crowd, interviewing him, as well as trying to stand my ground of introducing him, greeting him, and being the one to run the event.

Running events is my thing — I used to run an Event Planning Co in NYC.

And all of this because I have great vision for this — and I know others in the group will try to keep me down.  They’ll want it casual.  All of us sitting around asking him questions — and I just put it up to another level.  I fear this guy or several of them having issues with me filming and putting it on my Youtube.  Trying to get the tape before me.  All this shit comes up.. and now this is what I have to deal with.  Please help me release this anxiety.  Please help me navigate this situation.  Please help me do my vision.

I really am so used to it being taken away.

Please help me with this  — and thank you for bringing this to me now, to help clear the way for bigger stuff, more of my stuff to come my way.