June 14, 2013
So last night I went to see a sea turtle lay her eggs on the beach. It was a fantastic experience. INCREDIBLE! I won’t go into details here, only to share that it was incredible and then I was thinking — I can’t post this on Facebook how amazing it was, to ooz about it, that I’d have to just keep it to myself. Tell myself. This made me laugh. We get so used to posting things in our life, checking in, on Facebook.
So after we were done watching the whole group walked across the street to our cars and this woman started walking next to me and talking to me.
This annoyed me.
I noticed it.
I didn’t want to talk to her. She started asking me if I’m from around here. She started sharing how she felt wrong watching the turtle lay it’s eggs and on and on.
I noticed how I wasn’t really responding to her. Short answers or none at all. I wasn’t in the mood.
I was really tired. It was 11:20PM or something, way past my bedtime. I was also still in the moment, thinking about how in awe of the turtle I was. Amazed at how it lives in the sea. That was the most fantastic thing, to see it go swim back in the sea and disappear. AWE INSPIRING. SO FANTASTIC. I was really moved by it.
And it was really interesting, cause I thought about my mom at that moment. Her judgments.
That was I being rude to the lady. That I didn’t want to talk and I should. These expectations on me. Forcing me to do things I don’t want to do. She’s always been like that… in real subtle controlling ways.
But I looked at myself in a new light yesterday. This is the self acceptance piece that I had just pulled a card about again. I had compassion and understanding towards myself. Yesterday I had noticed how there were many yappers in our group. Walking to the beach, yapping. On the beach while waiting for the turtle, yappers. While watching the turtle give birth, yapping away.
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Be here in the moment. Take it in.
I was busy praying for the turtle to be safe. Sending her energy with her giving birth. Praying for her safety and her health when she goes back out to sea — sea turtles are endangered and threatened species.
I was so in awe of her and the experience. It was incredible.
I also realized – again – how much I love animals and want to be around them. I love learning about them — and again, just love, love, love them. I can’t express it in words. I had tears in my eyes several times throughout the event.
But others aren’t like that. They don’t connect like that. I get it. But I do.
And I like being in that energy. There’s processing that goes on for me after events and before them that I like being in silence.
In writing this I realize I’ve always been like this. Right now a memory comes back of 2004 when i was doing my first live TV interview on MSNBC. I was so excited for it, but also so very nervous. My mom came with me to the studio. And she wanted to talk to calm me down before the airing. I wanted to just pace and be in silence. I wanted to be in my own energy, in my own space. It’s my process. It’s how I process. But again, she was the one who wanted to talk… that makes her feel better. This was the same deal with my ex. Again, I was repeating that pattern…. someone not giving me space, someone uncomfortable with the silence or the energy and me just wanting to pace and walk, be in silence.
Well same deal with this turtle walk.
Would it be different if I had gone with a friend or a beloved to see the turtle? Maybe. Maybe there would have been a few words about how amazing it is, but that’s it. I would be in silence. Again, that’s how I am. That’s how I am at the zoo too. I just love watching and feeling and being with the energy. Wow, I’m sooo feeling like seeing my tigers today at the zoo. (This is going to be in one of the next posts – so much to say today! WOW)
So this is what happened yesterday where I realized and accepted who I am and how I am. I realize I like to be in my own experience a lot. I’m not even thinking during that time, I’m in total peace, no mind, just being, in awe.
And then this dream. About standing up for who I am.
Go you Blaire. So proud of you!!!
Beautiful synchronicities and messages. Thank you so very much!