June 21, 2013

The Summer Solstice.

Last night I had another dream about my trip cross country.  It was straight into one of my fears — of which I can’t remember what it was — but it was another night of me waking up, startled, afraid, and praying for my angels to remove the fear.

And then this morning I realized that this has been a regular occurrence for a few days now.

Fear in the middle of the night, then me praying for my angels to surround me, share love with me and remove that fear.

I’ve also noticed for this past week or maybe more that I tend to clinch my teeth.  This I’m not happy about and not sure what to do — since I’ve read that this causes sensitive teeth (which I have some) and receding gums (which I have a little too) — this has been one of the things I’ve been researching to heal as well.

(although I haven’t been working so much on my eye exercises, which I really need to dedicate myself to each day, since my eye sight is not as great as I remember it — and this bums me out — and I tried to put in my contacts the other day, since I was thinking, hey I need to be able to see really well for this move — and I just couldn’t keep it in there, it was so uncomfortable)

So I’ll be grateful for the release of all these fears.

I can hear my mom saying, “Why do you even put yourself through this?  Just put ship your car and be done with it”

Which I may very well do, but for some reason my Spirit keeps bringing me back to this thought of having an adventure.

But again, there’s so much fear to clear.

Women aren’t brought up to be adventurous or independent like this.  We’re told to always go with a friend.  Be safe.  Do things the more luxurious (or again, safer) way.  Like go on a plane, rather than drive.

Driving is for men.

Out on the road by yourself.

What happens if something happens to your car?  Stranded by the road.

What happens with you staying in shady hotels in the middle of nowhere.

What happens with you stopping to go to the bathroom, how are you going to walk with Magic and take your suitcase that has your valuables?  How are you going to manage it all?  (This is what made me think about going to the Honda dealer to see if I can upgrade my car to have a distinct trunk that’s hidden out of view — with the Fit everything is open to everyone’s eyes)

What happens when you want to go to a restaurant?

How are you going to manage this all by yourself Blaire?

You need people to help you.

And you don’t even know how to manage a map.

Or directions.

Plus you get tired of driving.

All these things.  Are they truths or are they just assumptions?  Or because I’ve never had the ability to actually do these things on my own, IN MY OWN WAY?

Years ago my boyfriend and I drove to Indiana from NJ.  Maybe 11 hours?  It sucked because my boyfriend wanted to rush down there.  Hardly wanting to stop.  Wanting to go-go-go.

We stayed at a shitty, shady cheap motel at the side of the road.  I was afraid in there.

So if we did this my way, then maybe it’d be better.

I just adapted my parent’s views of driving — I’ve never done it before then and my family never liked driving anywhere -we’d always fly.

That reminds me, I need to figure out around how much gas it’ll cost….

So there you go… a time of revealing and clearing more fears.

I went through this awhile back.  I’m not sure if it was during this blog, but I remember another time when I was clearing a lot of fears, back to back.  Hmm… can’t even remember what the topic with that was.

I guess I’ve done a lot of this fear clearing this year.

I know I did it with money just recently.  Being on my “own” and not having my parents or my ex as a crutch to fall back on with it.

Just letting it be.  Being an active participant in the awareness and clearing of the fears.

Thank you…. wherever this may lead.