May 31, 2013

I wanted to write this one more thing before I sign off.  I’ve been noticing this pattern / attitude these last few weeks with me.

That I resist doing.

Doing as in my work.

As in really being out there.

All these years I have been in this “safe” zone of “trying to make it” — but obviously not really trying to make it, because I would get distracted by things, and obviously I must have had this fear going.

Fear of doing.

Because I know how to get things to work.

I know how to make things happen.

I know how to get a TV job.

I got intern after intern after intern and then job after job — all in TV one after the next.  I was really focused, I took the steps, and it worked.  Like magic.  And like… really easy.

Again, this is a field where people say is the hardest field.

Yet it was the easiest for me to get into.

But now, these years — however long it has been, cause I haven’t been doing this full time, I was in grad school, my relationship, etc… you know, all of that.

But I see how this is the final step.  A TV job.  My TV job, on camera, creator, consulting producer.

I’m asking for a lot.

And I know it may sound like winning the lottery thing, but I know I’m going to be able to get it.

But this fear of doing.

It’s like this vision… of now I am in front of people and I have to help them, because it’s my tv show, because they are coming to me for help — and I have to help them.

But do I really know what I’m doing?

That’s the fear that creeps up.

And then it’s that, maybe I don’t have enough experience.

And what is my training anyway?

Again, that amnesia stuff, where I forget my qualifications.  I forget my confidence.

Where the fuck does it go?

Fear can do that.

I also seem to forget that it’s not even me who’s teaching or help heal — it’s G-D!  I’m just the channel.

So what the heck am I worried about?

But this is the pattern.  And I see why I haven’t let things manifest for me.  This fear.  It’s been so big.  So I’m grateful that now I’ve been noticing it.  Seeing it.  Because now it is healing.

It’s ego.

Not my Spirit.

And now it’s being re-worked.  Cleared, healed.

Thank you.

PS:  This is the same dynamics that happen when working with students.  And I totally get why I’ve only had a couple at a time to help.  It’s like if I do more than a couple then it means that I must really know what I’m doing — and again, for some reason that “doing” — really doing, scares me.  It’s like a responsibility — the responsibility for people’s lives, that scares me.  Again, I guess it’s a worthy.  I’m not worthy to help direct other people in their lives.  I’m just little ol me.  BUT WHY NOT?  Why not Blaire?  Everyone you’ve worked with — and everyone who has been close to you, family, friends, men – they’ve all changed by you working with them.  By you sharing your teachings.

Come on.  It’s time to stop seeing yourself as weak and not good.  Not knowing anything.

That’s old stuff, time to let that go.  You do know a lot.  You know a lot – a lot.  This has been going on for too many years, this dismissal of your energy.

I am so tired of this dynamic.

And that’s exactly when it changes.

Thank you.