May 22, 2013

So I want to post this here for maybe no other reason than to release it. It’s been 3 days since I did this Singles Expo and I am still feeling haunted by it. So many thoughts and emotions came up from the experience that I’d like to stay in the positive of it, learn the lessons, and keep moving forward, yet the irritation still comes up. So what was the problem? I was completely overwhelmed by the experience. I understand this is natural, since it was new – I’ve done expos before, but never as sensitive as I am now and never representing myself / this kind of business. So I walked into the place and already didn’t like how it was set up. I used to be an event planner and before I attended it was already bothering me how the organizers were promoting it (or lack of promotion) and I didn’t feel it was organized or professional feeling. So my sensitivity to how the event was planned was there…. that was an irritation. Same deal, moved on from it, but I do notice how things here and there during the event were bothering me about this. I tuned it out, but I see how the issue was still there…

Then being really sensitive, and yes, I protected myself beforehand, but all the chaotic energy going around was too much for me. This also has to do with me totally wearing myself out by having all these different emotions before the event. This is definitely a lesson, to stay more even keeled, rather than my own energy/excitement ups and downs.

I had a headache the whole time I was there. The event felt too long. It was too long. I know this is valuable information for me, I’m going to bring more support staff along so that I can take breaks and maybe I just come to speak — and not speak and meet/greet people for 4 hours. That’s too long for me. Although I have issues with this as well, cause part of me liked meeting people and also when I think of going to Hay House I Can Do It, it was a lot of fun for me to meet the actual speaker/teacher rather than their assistant.

So I’m having issues with that. Again, I know all of this is new — but I see how my perfectionistic side has really come out. Pressure to get all of this right, the first time. That’s ridiculous, I know it, I need to cut myself more slack, but still I see how I am hard on myself. That in itself is making me sad. I know I need to let all of this go.

I didn’t do enough research on the crowd who was to attend. Or rather, maybe I knew the crowd that was going to attend, but thought I’d give it a shot. They are totally not my crowd. Not right for the work I present. Again, these are all lessons and again I’m having trouble not being so hard on myself. Overall just feeling sad about the whole experience. Again, I want to look on the bright side and stay there, but I’ve been having trouble doing it. Not sure what my problem is with that either… why it’s been harder to just brush off, take the positive, and the lessons, and leave the rest.

It was a tough crowd. Defensive, into another way of living. This is fine, but at times I will feel grateful to G-d for putting me in this situation, because I did very well at handling them, this gives me more confidence, but then there’s the dip again of feeling upset that I was in this situation and that I should be more protective of myself and my gift and my sensitive nature.

Again, I know there were so many lessons to learn here and I know Spirit is getting me ready for bigger things by this, but still, my mind goes to the bad attitude of – what a waste of time.

I know a “bad attitude” can’t just be revealed, that it doesn’t come out of nowhere, that it’s in me and now this is coming to the surface to be noticed and healed. But again, here’s the hard side of me, being cruel to myself here — but I feel like, Blaire, stop it. Let all these things go… I’m having trouble doing that. Today is the last day I will discuss it, I’m posting it here so I am releasing it. It’s been 3 days and I am ready to heal, be kinder to myself – have more compassion – and look at what’s next.

There were some people in the audience when I spoke who were open minded and people I’d like to be around and teach, they were asking questions and taking notes. Again, another lesson to be more aware of what types of crowds attend different places. Again, a lesson, but the memories of speaking and exhibiting there still upset me. It almost feels like trauma.

Then on top of all of that, my outfit — i hated it. This is a ridiculous thing and something I NEVER THINK about or even care about but somehow these days I have been thinking about what I’d like to wear. How I’d like to present myself. I feel really drawn to the G-ddess look… flowy stuff, roman / greek g-ddesses… which really if you’re familiar with any of those “looks” it’s just fabric. Haha. This makes me laugh. But if you look at my website banner / it’s the same picture as the header/banner on my facebook page — and that’s just fabric. I feel really drawn to this. That should not be a big deal, but the outfit I chose just looks horrible in the video I took. Normally I am proud of my videos — but I hated how I came out. It looked like I was wearing a rag and I’m so embarrassed and almost ashamed that I presented myself like that. on one hand I see myself as innocent and sweet and again that compassion, I was trying something different… I am trying something different, that takes courage, to not dress like others. If you look at all the greats, Moses, Jesus, Ghandi, they all just wore sheets. Haha. I can’t stop laughing about this stuff, but I work with all of them.. and I know that was the era they were in, but I feel drawn to wear that. Simple. But there was this other Love/Relationship Expert/Coach not exactly sure what her title was and she was wearing the typical city girl, sleek, sexy outfit – tight shirt and top with high heels. And I felt totally inferior. I hate that feeling. Like she’s better than me. More put together. More snazzy. I hear my mom’s voice in my head, that I should be dressing cute and showing off my figure – and part of me wants to do that, I can play that part… but I also don’t want to dress like that. High heels aren’t comfortable and I want a look that is truly mine. I’m in the process of attracting a TV opportunity — and this lady had a cameraman with her too and he was telling me how she’s looking to do some TV and she wanted to get some footage, etc. Well, that was exactly what I was doing too. I tried to not let it bother me, but it did. I was just speaking to a TV exec last week and I pictured this guy and my head said, he’s more likely to develop her than you, because look how she’s dressed. She’s tv ready and you’re not. I was in the bathroom looking at myself in this droopy cloth and I just felt like such shit. I just feel terrible.

Then on top of all of that, like it wasn’t enough already… was that whenever someone would come up to my booth, I had these thoughts going on in my head… there was no escaping my negativity… it’s like I’m so good noticing them and keeping positive in my own environment, but you put me in somewhere new, where I’m feeling all these different emotions, and I go back to old ways of being. These thoughts have always been with me, Spirit was showing them to me — I was able to observe them loud and clear. G-d I knew it was bad, but I just couldn’t help myself. I kept on thinking as people walked up… mostly men / older men… that they were wasting my time… that they just wanted to flirt with me… that they were lonely, it’s a singles event and people feel awkward at those things… and that they were never going to buy.. that they’re not my ideal clients anyway. And I was quick to respond to them. Didn’t want to be bothered. And then I would have my own snarky remarks that I shared with my photographer about the people who approached. Again, I know these are all lessons of who I am more attracted to or not, but these negative thoughts.. and these self defeating stuff, uck, I just feel so pulled and torn in every direction. And it’s sad cause I was doing so well with manifesting the life of my dreams.

So I think that’s it. That’s plenty. I deleted the video of me speaking. Hate the vision of it and I think I’m going to trash the pictures my photographer took. I had such high hopes for this event and it’s like my mind was fighting me every step of the way. I just feel so sad by the whole experience. This high expectation of perfection and impatience with the learning curve and process. I don’t know. It’s all a mess I’d just like to forget and move on from, instead I am in so much pain from it and am having trouble having compassion and letting it go.