June 20, 2013

Ahh, exhaustion.  So tired today — and not even sure about what.  The energy feels so dense.

I got in a fight with the Reference Librarian today — or rather, she started with me by being totally useless when I was asking her questions about the cross country drive.

It turned into a big thing when this other lady at the front desk was then upset that the front desk guy was helping me.

Whatever — I can go on and on, but I won’t.

It was ridiculous.

I just wanted some advice about the trip.

So I came home after that and the rest of the day has been pretty uneventful.

On pause.  Or rather, regrouping.

For some reason Spirit wants me to rest — again.  But it’s not a rest as in sitting on the couch and sleeping or whatever.  it’s a restless wander around the house, and on the computer doing absolutely nothing.

And now it’s 5:15PM and I have no idea what I did with the day.

Absolutely nothing.

That sucks.

I felt such push and gusto to pursue TV stuff and move forward with that… and I won’t say I’m still not moving forward, cause I do feel I am — it just switched to another way…

Now resting.  Thing, I guess are developing on other levels.  I need to rest for the next bought of action.

Acclimate to this next level of energy, next level of being.

It’s just that human Blaire is restless.  Maybe it’s anxiety too.

I don’t know if I’m going to end up driving out to LA with Magic.  It may just be easier to fly.

But it does sound nice to stop in Baton Rouge.  I’ve never been in Louisiana.

But then again, if I went and was with Magic I may feel anxious about doing things with him – or fear about leaving him in the hotel room.


He’d have to come with me.

But that’s sometimes not so easy cause he gets antsy.

So he’d have to learn how to behave better.

I might get bored of driving.  Maybe have an anxiety attack.  Worry about where the hospital is.  Worry about being stranded.

Deep breathe in and out…

When I went to undergrad here in Miami — guys would drive up north when school was out all the time.  That’s a 24 hour drive (something like that).

They did it – no problem.

But again, that’s our culture.  That’s how men are raised.  Do it on your own.  Be independent.

I’m a “weak” girl.

But that’s all the more reason to try it.

I didn’t like it when I went from NJ to Indiana because my boyfriend at the time rushed through the trip.  He didn’t want to stop and enjoy the woods, the scenery

And actually that reminds me… I think I drove 3-4 hours to see him that summer.  He was somewhere out in Pennsylvania that I remember was somewhat of a hike.

So I think that means I need to stay at a location for a day or two.

To look at it as an adventure — not a race.

Just like life – to enjoy each step.  Not rush.

Fears about storage with my car.  I really can’t take much.

So anyway… it feels better when I keep moving in this energy rather than sitting here in exhaustion doing nothing.  It definitely feels much better to keep moving.

So I’m getting boxes and I’m going to start packing.  Seeing how many boxes of things I have…

You know, it’s quite funny.

I “don’t” have the job or the money yet — nor did I give notice to my rental agency that I’m leaving… they require 60 days notice… yet I’m still doing this.

It just feels like this is the preparation.  I know it is.  And obviously it’s taking some mental, emotional, spiritual preparation for me to move out there on my own.

And yes, I do notice a tug at me sometimes — “maybe I’ll meet a guy and drive out with me” — that confidence one gets when we’re taken care of by a man.

But that makes me want to do it even more.

It’s the confidence of — I did this myself.

Maybe that’s one of the themes of my life.  To show myself I can be independent, I can figure out this stuff on my own — to see my strength.  All the stuff I’m able to build up my confidence to do without being all weak, giving away my power to someone else.

Deep breathe.

Please help me here.

— I did send out some pitch emails today to some magazines.  I could write about this adventure.  Make money off my experience.  I would like to write about it anyway, might as well share it with others, inspire others, and make money off my natural gifts and talents.  I’d love for that to work out — but then I would feel there’s no turning back — I’d have to do the drive.  🙂

Let me set an intention…