March 4, 2013

A group I’m in is filled with crazy people.  Like literally, fucking crazy people.  They act so crazy, there’s no making sense of their behavior, yet they all bond together like it makes some sort of sense.

I have zero tolerance for crazy thinking.  Unless of course people are coming to get help.

But I realize I’ve been surrounded by crazy thinking my whole life.  People who bond together and don’t think I make any sense.  It’s infuriating.  Here I’m speaking my truth — the truth of how to lead the group, how to organize the people — and they are all acting fucking crazy.

I’m sorry, but it’s hard to find other words to explain what is going on without going into all the drama.

And like I was saying before, this was my experience growing up.  A group of people (my family) would all agree or ignore what I was sharing — my truth — and carry on, continuing like they had no idea what I was talking about — like I didn’t make sense.

I would repeat it over and over again and they would skirt around the issues… just like how my ex did… just like how my family did… just like how some group members are now.

And after several angry emails, fed up with all of this shit, it’s been sinking in — dawning on me, I need to reframe my thinking and do different behavior.

You see my whole life I have been tolerating people.  Tolerating people that I fucking hate.  Not all of the time, but during many incidents that stay with me and taint other things.

And all through my childhood I would be angry about this stuff.  And my father would say to me (which my mom would agree) that I hold onto things, a grudge, and that is a bad thing and I should just get over it.

But here’s the deal.  The problem wouldn’t stop.  It wouldn’t be taken care of — and I’m constantly asked or rather told, to just get over it.  Stop holding a grudge.

But if you’re around people who are continuing the same stupid behavior then obviously this anger is going to build and build.  It’s just ridiculous.

So here is where I need to reframe my thinking — stretch out of the box.  Do something different.

Because all these years I have been used to tolerating.  Being around people I don’t like – don’t agree with – and annoy the hell out of me — and I was constantly told, no one is perfect.. and you have to look past people’s faults, and blah blah bullshit.

Now what I need to do is that as soon as I uncover something I don’t like about someone — and when it’s a thing like this — which I will classify as a MAJOR THING — and this is something new to me, to validate that it is indeed AN ISSUE

That I don’t hang around and try to still get along.

I don’t remain quiet and stuff it.

I don’t continue complaining or trying to convince them to change.



And this is the tricky part.. and the part that I need to reframe and challenge my thinking.

Is it possible for me to LIKE everything about a person?  You know, like actually get along?

I see other people happy in relationships — but I have never been.

Instead people frequently piss me off.  I usually am screaming.  Getting in fights, whatever.  All this building and building inside of me.

So fuck that.

Is it possible for me to just keep saying “next” and eliminating and eliminating?

The fear is… like what I’ve been experiencing for quite sometime — no one to hang out with, possibly no one to date.

This is small thinking.  This is limited thinking.

I don’t think you are supposed to tolerate people.  Most people — if not all people do this.  But I don’t think it’s right and I don’t want to do it anymore.

The Universe is pushing me to go for more.  For perfection.  Relationships which I enjoy and feel understood and respected — the same courtesy I give them.

So it makes me feel like the lone wolf.  Standing on my own.  But I also do understand that this is a re-calibration.  A fixing of sorts.  And during that time I will be on my own, until I come to peace with this new mindset and allow for the new to come in.

I’ve been keeping myself trapped — because that’s the lifestyle (the thinking) that was introduced to me.

I can’t do that anymore.

I’m not doing that anymore.

Now summoning up more courage to continue on.  To have the guts to just keep leaving groups and people… maybe even groups and people that I feel I need to accomplish my business goals, and that’s why I was tolerating in the first place… but no, that just leads to crazy town — and usually me, fucking yelling and screaming.



It’s time for me to reframe my thinking.  Step out of the box.  Allow more in.