January 6, 2013

I went to a sports bar to watch basketball again tonight.  I met up with my new friend and his friend.

I feel like such a weirdo.  Possibly, a freak.

Everything was fine and we were joking around, etc. but the more personal (but not really personal) questions started.  Hey, people want to learn about you.  They like you…

But my answers aren’t short answers, they are stories.

Stories explaining myself.  I don’t want to explain myself.  I don’t want to go around in teaching mode, educating people about spirituality or alternative lifestyle stuff …. why did I do it?  What to do?

Let me explain… (see, here we go explaining again) 🙂 but this is what we do as teachers… in this venue it’s okay… tonight, I just … well, I have to think about what to do.

Tonight the new guy started asking me questions.

About who I hang out with.  What I do, etc.

I really don’t know what the questions were, but I started on my spiritual talk.

How can I keep it out of the conversation?  It’s not like I am ashamed or want to hide it but I notice how different I really am now.

When I started in 2005 getting deeper into my healing – that’s when my first healer came into my life, I went into hermit mode.

When you are healing you do spend a lot of time on your own.

That was 3 years.

Then I met a new guy, started dating him… for a short time… we broke up… I dated some more… and then my ex appeared.

Then for 3 years it was all about us.  In our own world.  Back and forth from England.

So it’s been 7 years or so that I’ve been “on my own” in “somewhat hermit” mode, learning, studying, HEALING.

And this would all be fine and dandy if I stayed in my “spiritual cocoon” but my Spirit is bringing me out into “the real world” again.

I desire to watch basketball out at a sports bar.

I’m meeting guys there.  I’m feeling lighter and more energy – and I’m feeling for the most part, healed.

I’m in this new world energy, after doing so much healing, that now again, I am out.

Out of this healing mode and into enjoying life and being with people.

But these people aren’t spiritual people.  Sure I still go to spiritual events and meet people there here and there, but for the most part I think spiritual people are on solo adventures.  Exploring their thoughts, exploring their lives. Doing their spiritual practices.

So here, I’m “explaining myself” to everyday people.

How I don’t go out places, as in clubs/bars…

How I don’t have a cell phone…. (just an emergency one)

How I don’t have friends (this was a question from tonight, since I went to the sports bar myself).  How I think people misuse the word friend, when it should really be “casual acquaintances” and that how I am friendly with people, but wouldn’t really call them friends… I guess I look at that definition more as a best friend.  But anyway…. this was part of the conversation…

Discussion how I don’t have the desire to go out to bars and clubs anymore.

Discussion about my former life how I used to do these things.

Talk about how I like doing things by myself…

How I don’t spend time talking on the phone…

How I don’t text.

How I disconnected my TV service

How I cancelled my cell phone service

How I don’t watch violent movies or TV…

Comments about the green drink I was drinking while watching the game…

It’s just on and on…

So much.  TOO MUCH.  Oh man.

This alternative lifestyle that I have…. I just don’t know what to say about it.

I like the lifestyle.  I love it.

I love me, but I’m feeling weird tonight.  A bit sad.  Like I was on some interview.  Like I shared too much.  How I was explaining myself.

How I don’t want to explain myself anymore.  How I don’t want to go into teaching mode with everyone I meet.

How I can have good information to share, but how I don’t have to share it with everyone, all the time.

How I can just hang out and just be.  Talk about surface level stuff.  How I can deflect questions.  Make jokes of things.  Make stuff light.  Keep it light.

I think I need to just not be so talkative about my personal life.  Have more discernment as to what I am sharing with people I meet.

Hold back a bit.  Or a lot.

I started doing this discernment thing with one on one relationships, but this took me a bit off guard, doing it in a social environment, etc.

It’s nice that people are curious, I appreciate it and I am curious about their lives too… but all in time, they don’t need to know everything about me right when they meet me.

I need to focus on asking them more questions and just keeping things LIGHT.

Understanding that almost everyone I meet in this environment is not going to get me.  That they are not going to be like me.  And how this is okay, but that I don’t need to divulge my life.

Oh man.  This feels like effort.  I am trying to not make myself feel bad or wrong for going into  explaining stuff… for going deep… for going too deep.

Questions about if I’m married or not.

How do I answer this simply?

People always want to know this.

But this again, turns into a possible really long conversation.. about karmic relationships, about soulmates, about twin flames, about all kinds of things… and then this turns me into teaching mode and feeling weird… and more serious… and out of fun, hanging out zone and more into serious teaching mode.

Oh man.  Like I said, I’m just feeling a bit sad right now.  I need to let it settle.  Figure out my boundaries (again, a boundary discussion) as to what happens when I first meet someone at a bar or through a friend or whatever in a social / drinking environment.

Yea, that’s the other thing… I’m not drinking at this place either…. and I know people are curious about me and my lifestyle and they think it’s interesting, it’s not a disrespectful type of questioning, there just needs to be a limit to what I am sharing.  Again, some boundaries and some discernment… I also want to be conscious how I am creating these relationships, I want people to hang out and be friends with, not get in teaching mode and having the scales tipped that I’m putting out all this energy… again.

I really have been noticing now how spiritual I have gotten.  How deep into spiritual mode / enlightenment / awareness… it’s like you notice how far you’ve gone by the contrast of who you used to be.

Processing it all…. again, feeling sad.  Mourning.  Not sure what I’m mourning, but it’s something.