June 5, 2013

Is being quirky, cool?

This is the new thing I need to come to peace with.  The new thing I need to get over.  Release my fears and move forward.

You see, the idea for my TV show became clear today while I was out walking.

At first I was so against doing reality TV.  Didn’t want to put myself out there like that.  Being all vulnerable (like the way I’m seeing how this show should be done) just felt wrong.

I have ideas of what we’ll do on the show.

This all has to do with my Divine Mission.  How I want to present myself to the world.

It’s really big.  But also really strange, weird, funny.  FUN.  But again, weird.

I guess I’m kind of a weird person, but I keep it under wraps.  I think people see it sometimes, but for the most part I think I keep it private between me, Spirit, and my dog Magic.

We all have a real good time together — but it seems like this show will expose that.

It kind of seems the reason behind the show.  Well, one of them.

But I am worried about it.  Fearful.  Insecure.

Funny how when the MarryBlaire website was in full speed, everyone looking at it, and me blogging about my love life, my mom would always say — isn’t that private?  (something like that) and I didn’t think so at all.

But here, this…. well, this is private to me.  Private.  Embarrassing.  Only my ex — those really close to me have seen it.  Plus I don’t even think he’s really seen it in me, because he wasn’t really fun to play with like that — now I seek people who encourage me with the wildness and have me come out brighter.

I think all the people in my life up to now have been more on the — shh, hush, don’t get too crazy.

And that’s where the perception thing flips.  One minute I think it’s embarrassing and then the next minute I think no big deal.

The way I sing.  And the way I want to sing.  It’s totally off key and I like it.  That’s the point, it makes you laugh.

The way I dance.  Totally weird.  And I like it like that.  Again, the point is to make you… or rather ME laugh.

But I’ve never shared this with others.

I’m starting to think of myself as a comedian.  Comedians act all weird.  Make faces.  Do stupid things and it’s okay for them… cause they’re a comedian.

But I’m a guru.  A love guru.  A spiritual teacher.

Spiritual teachers are supposed to be respectable, right?


Not wild and wacky?

Not passionate?

I’m totally different than all of my teachers in this aspect.  And I haven’t seen anyone act weird like I want to… that I feel guided to out there.

Now that’s great to make me unique.

But I’m at the point that I’m thinking… how can I share this?

How can I be safe sharing it?

It is kind of weird.

And that’s where the camera crew comes into play…

Maybe it’s safer just broadcasting it.  Just putting it out there like BAAM!

Cause I want it to come out.  It’s right there saying… yes, come out.

Maybe it makes it less awkward if a camera crew is following you?  Like you have an excuse to …. be yourself.




Interesting.  (that last line)

By the way, two green lizards were chasing one another up a tree this morning.  Those lizards.  They keep blessing me with their presence.

Lizard medicine is the shadow side of reality where your dreams are reviewed
before you manifest them physically.

If you have a Lizard totem, listen to our own intuition above anyone else’s.