November 19, 2012

This post is very much related to the last one, but it’s said in a different way from a different angle. See what ideas it sparks for you.

I’ve noticed that some of my students push boundaries.  What that means is they will email me in between times we talk to or see one another.  They will email me with questions and they will email me just to keep in touch.  Usually this leads to some sort of purpose – keeping in touch, wanting communication / maybe lonely or bored, wanting to have questions answered, wanting extra / more healing or teaching.

All of it to me… as I see it now… is pushing boundaries.

Testing me.

No, they are not doing anything wrong, as some people do encourage in between sessions or events exchanges.  I was always torn in the middle about doing this or not doing this… for different reasons.

I have been letting it go and emailing students back and forth.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I see how it uses up my time and energy.  Plus I see how it’s pushing boundaries.

I recognize this, because this is what I do.  Sometimes and definitely many times in the past.

In a way, the person knows they are doing something “wrong” – stepping over boundaries – asking for more than what was offered or originally agreed to, but they go for it.

Again, many times this is not discussed with service providers / helpers / teachers / healers… there’s not a firm boundary put there in place — although funny enough, as I write this I am reminded of one business person who said this to me on the outset (she doesn’t do email support unless you do this certain package…)  Interesting.

You see, the people who I work with are sensitive.  Many of them have been abused in one way or the other.. usually verbally.  Usually a disrespect of their space.  A bullying of some sort… usually covert.

Well, along with that goes with stepping over boundaries.  THEIR boundaries.

They’ve never learned how to set up boundaries or really how to prevent people from stepping over their boundaries, because many times, when they were growing up, people stepped or pushed their boundaries.

So what happens?

The victim becomes the perpetrator.

These are strong words, that I’m not so crazy about, but it gets the point across.

You may have been the victim of your parents stepping over or disregarding your boundaries…. you have suffered from this…. and now, as a result, not even aware of it, you are doing it to others.

Like I said, I know this, because I have done this.  Over and over again, without even noticing it and without many “putting me in my place.”

So this is something I need to implement and be very clear with in my business.

I used to give into emails and whatever other related requests from my students cause I felt “they needed me” or that I was going to “hurt their feelings” and I didn’t want to do that.. I was overly sensitive to other’s feelings because mine I didn’t feel were properly taken care of.

But now I get it.  I see how this is something I need to be clear with on the outset.  Not spring it on people when they are involved in a relationship with me… but now that I realize I don’t like answering emails in between sessions / events, I need to be clear and share this with others.

As I model asserting my desires and honoring them, I empower others to do the same.

(although some may not be happy with me in the meantime… I know I was never happy with those who did it to me) 🙂  But I’m fine with that for now.. or I will become fine with it, because I want to honor my desires.