March 3, 2013

I’ve realized something the last few days about my father.  He was always on a quest for power.  He tried to use his power to control me.  He did this by NOT listening to my whines for him to leave me alone, different things where he didn’t allow me boundaries – and instead asserted his power over me, being my parent, to make me submit.

It’s really sick if you think about it… or rather if I think about it, but I understand it.  Cause this is a cycle, someone in his life did this to him growing up.  It’s a cycle from one generation to the next.

Of course no one would consciously do this to their child, but he did.  Over and over again.  And still up until this day he was attempting to do it, until I just stopped dealing with him.

Which then of course made him feel “very sad” as he says, and then makes me feel guilty.

And that’s a cycle too.  Don’t upset your parents.

You feel guilt when you upset them, then as a result you submit to them.  Doing what they want.

Again, power and control.

And what makes sense to me from these past several days is that for the last couple of years I have been watching this woman.  You could call her my teacher, but she’s not my teacher as in what she teaches, which is energy healing — she is my teacher, because I’ve been watching her and her power — and how she controls.

Some of it I’ve been amazed by, some of it I’ve been disapproving, thinking she’s very cunning.

But in any event, I’ve been learning from her.

And I get it — I’ve gotten this before, but now on a deeper level of awareness, I’ve been watching her, because I have been wanting this past year to take back more of my power.  Power I’ve given away repeatedly and unknowingly to my parents — my father — as well as other people.

Not anymore.

And this is why even just recently I posted something on my Facebook page — and I shared it here as well, about “How are you using your power?”  Is it to help people or harm them, etc.  And this is what I enjoy talking about — POWER — and now I get it on a deeper level, because throughout my life, it’s always been a power and control thing.

People constantly taking away my power.  So I am a quest to more and more re-claim this and this is what I help my students with over and over to do.

It’s hard to explain, as I got this from before, but again, I just get it at a deeper level now.  I guess I didn’t see so clearly before how my parents — my father — was playing these unconscious mindgames with me to take my power.  Now I do.  Now I see the pattern and I see it with my students as well.