February 26, 2014

I hate the word “attack” it’s so extreme — so let’s say this…. I had a panic release — cause actually that’s what it was.

And it was crazy.

Last night I had two significant things happen.  A dream which I’ll tell you about in the next post – and this anxiety come up.

I don’t know what provoked it, but probably just all the events that I was doing during the last two days — it’s been real busy — and I guess it’s all sinking in now as to what’s going on…. that this is really happening… that I’m really moving…. that the job is happening… that I’m going to be on tv… and that I’m driving 8 hours.

So I woke up and was really in this state of half awake/ half sleeping.  I was really asleep but very conscious of what was going on.

First off, my legs were itching like crazy — I guess I’m allergic to the coconut oil being on my legs (as moisturizer).  So I had to go into the shower to wash them off.

Then I felt myself breathing all funny.

I was scared.

This has to do with driving the 8 hours.

I can’t remember any conscious thoughts as to the fear — but the emotion was strong.

Driving many hours is a big deal to me.  I’ve never really done it myself.  I remember driving from NJ to somewhere far in Pennsylvania.  That might have been 3 hours ?  I’m not sure…. maybe 4 and that was fine.  I did that with my dog.  Interesting, and nice how I will be doing this trip with my dog too.

So that was fine…

Again, I can’t try to put words to this when there was none that I remember.

I was just scared.  Really frightened.  And I was then actively doing a breathing release exercise of blowing out the anxiety and breathing in love.

I called my angels and guides to surround me with love, to hold me, to raise my thoughts to be loving ones, and to release the anxiety from my body.

I also too Rescue Remedy to support my system.  Which is good too and I think really helped calm me down.  I think I’ll take that today again — and keep it near me, take it for the next few days to help with this transition.

It’s all new to me.  And out of my comfort zone and I keep telling myself I’m doing a good job, cause I am.

There was also something there that came up about my mom — me saying to her, I can’t be around you with all of your anxiety.  Your anxiety and mine is too much for me to handle.

So I need to be aware of that — I actually have been.

Because my pattern as a kid is to feel my mom’s anxiety and take it on.  I can’t do that this time around.  No more.  Can’t do it at all anymore with anything.  I also can’t let her emotions psyche me out because I am strong and I can do this.

I am guided like I have been always and see how it has manifested so clearly, the guidance, the last few days.  This is a good indicator for me.  All is good. I’m good.

My mom is such a worrier.  But again, this does NOT effect me.  It can’t.  That’s her energy and her shit to deal with.  Not mine anymore.

So today I will relax.  It was a busy last two days and emotional — fun and fulfilling — but clearly some anxiety too as shown by last night’s release, so today I will relax my system.  Walk in nature. Sit in nature and make good food for myself to eat.  Now I just need to figure out what I want to eat…. and shit, I just realized I got fried chicken (grease) from the store yesterday.  Damn, I should have gone for the rottiserie.

Oh well.

Grateful for this time in my life and how everything has been lining up perfectly. Thank you.

PS:  Two more days and rent will be due.  Well actually 5 more days since they give us til the 5th.  This is where I was experiencing major anxiety last month when Spirit kept telling me I’m moving.  This month I think it’s really happening — but again, don’t want to pay the month’s rent if I’m leaving at the end of the month.  But again… that’s in 5 days.  Could it really be that soon?  I think yes.  Deep breaths… 🙂 Yea perfect day to ground the energy. Thank you.