January 18, 2013

Daring title, right?  Well…. follow me along here.  I’m playing along as well as I’m not too sure what I’ll be writing here.

Lately I’ve been feeling a low grade uncertainty that has to do with these two things.

1) Reaching out and teaching mainstream people


2) My BIG gift.

Not like these two things have to be in conflict, cause they are not – although right now they kind of feel like they do… let me explain.

1) I feel that I am to go back into mainstream to teach “mainstream” people.  Maybe simplify my teachings, break them down, more basic.  I realize that even with my private students all of them are in the mainstream lifestyle (which I would consider watch TV and movies as well as going to bars and clubs).  I also realize that they are all somewhat new to spirituality as well.  Now, I’m not going to get too much into this, but again I have realized how deep into it I am with my lifestyle and practices over these last few months when I have started speaking to more people, going out more, and also just by observing my students.  Overall everyone usually says they are “spiritual” but their thought processes and lifestyle are really nothing like mine – at all.  Again, not saying one is better than the other, but of course I like my lifestyle as this is the life I’ve created for myself… it’s the life I wanted.

So there’s that thing…. going back into mainstream.

That has been related to my meetup group… the new meetup group I’ve been thinking about developing.  I feel like it’s the place where I’ll find “success” (more on this later, as I had an interesting realization about it this morning) — and trying to figure out some times of events I’d like to have that relate to “mainstream” singles.

I’m having trouble coming to ideas that I feel happy about…

and then…

2) the other thing here is that my BIG gift, I feel, maybe… is that I heal family wounds.  Childhood wounds.  Family dynamics.  Deep wounding.  A deeper relationship with self, a better relationship with family, a better relationship with your partner.  Okay, so maybe I’m not even explaining that so well ?  Again it’s all fresh… and stirrings in my mind that haven’t taken total form yet.

So this is where the conflict lies, although again as I write this out I see how the two are NOT in conflict at all…. but isn’t this the way our mind holds us back / our fears?  Totally.

Since I do such deep healing my thought is to do a meetup group that is based on family healing or healing of difficult relationships.  But actually as I write this I feel not in the mood to do this meetup…. it feels too heavy.  It feels like work I would do individually.

So again, no conflict at all…

One of these psychic friend types did a reading for me a week or two ago, pulled some cards and usually I take that lighthearted, although she does tend to say somethings that stick out to me and stir in me… and a few weeks ago she said this, there seems to be a fear or a hesitancy to really claim your gifts.

Hmmm…. what is that supposed to mean?  I didn’t like that sentence, it stirred something, and has stuck with me.

I think it relates to this childhood wounding, family healing thing, but again I’m not sure (although this may totally be my cop out by saying “I’m not sure”)

Cause if I pretended to “know” what that comment meant I would say it meant this….

I am a great healer.  A very powerful healer.  I am able to 100% guide people towards the lives they want to lead.  I have done it for myself and I have done it for everyone who’s lives I’ve touched and worked through it with me.

What would happen if I stood in that power?  Stood in that confidence all the time?  What if I didn’t let myself flounder?  What if I didin’t let myself “forget” what I do, loose my focus or get confused.

By being confused is how I think I keep myself safe and stuck for too long.

I feel confused (see, there we go again) about doing the meetup group for singles 30-40s, childfree (as that’s at least where i’ve gotten clarity as to where to go with this)…. if I’m not feeling 100% like it’s the “right” thing for me to do.

A feeling like I’m not 100% into it…. not 100% in alignment.  Am I afraid of looking like a failure again?

Is putting up a meetup, trying it out, paying for a month really much of a committment?  Do I need to get all my energy in alignment to do it?  Will I look pathetic if I put it up and it doesn’t work out?


I am probably spending way too long thinking these things over and over again.  I don’t like acting unless I am sure it’s a good idea…. but maybe this is where the disappointment (at times) from the meetup group has come into play in the past.  Trying to get it perfect.  Trying to align my energy.  Then getting frustrated or feeling disappointed or powerless.

Ah screw it.

Maybe I just try something new and different to be open to what will come.  See if I like being out in a social environment.  I was thinking of doing the first one in a pizza type place with a buffet dinner.  Having singles flip tables so they have more people to talk to.  I can practice doing “not much” by “just” facilitating the event.  Being friendly and being social.  Talking to people, making friends, being there to introduce and lead the event, but not “work hard” like maybe I do at my other live events.. with the teaching and more silent environment with people learning and concentrating and clearing energy with them, etc.

What if it’s just light and fun?  Wow, what a novel idea.  LOL.

Okay, I see how I am holding myself back by thinking too much on this minor, minor thing….

There is no conflict.  Those who are drawn to me will want to work privately and then we’ll go deeper.  Hearing “childhood wounding” – “childhood healing” and “family healing” sounds deep and maybe not fun – and definitely serious.  Someone has to be in bad shape in order to be in that place.  No judgment with that… but when I sought out a healer to help me with some deep stuff I was in a deep place and again, I think that most people don’t go that deep unless a healer takes them there.  Make sense?

It’s like let me take them deeper into their soul….  deeper into healing…. everyone that has come to me has not been in that deep place… I always take them there.  So with that said, no reason to market myself so overtly like that.

Keep it light, keep it fun, keep it playful – that’s what attracts.