February 6, 2013

Today was on and off a bit difficult with the “loss” of my friend / casual collegeau.

When old patterns die off there is space that is left.  An emptiness.  A grieving.

I feel at a loss with the help I was receiving on my project from this person.

I really liked brainstorming with them and getting feedback.  It gave me more inspiration and more ideas.  I was feeling at a loss of that today.

I also – well, my mind also wanders to wondering why they haven’t written me an email saying “Sorry” or some explanation or SOMETHING.

But again, this is that person.  You tell them something and something in a firm manner and they listen.

Not like I want people to not respect what I say, but I still feel sadness that they wouldn’t “BE A LEADER” and take a stand.

But that’s the thing.  That was the issue.  This person wasn’t being a leader in the group and that is what caused the friction (cause it was effecting me and this other person in the group starting shit against me) — well this person is “hands off” — so same deal with friendships or whatever — they won’t be a leader and take a stand with that either.


No voice.

No power.

This person just goes along with whatever other people want and that’s it.  End of story.

Really no reason for me to be upset, because I know this about this person.  I knew it since Day 1, but this is how it effects me when I let this type of person get close.

Same personality as my ex.

Again, no surprise.

And that’s it.  The old pattern of letting these mis-matches get close to me.  They are not a good fit for me.  Another relationship where I care more / do more, etc for the person…. although this person did do for me and I was receiving… I think it just has to do with the caring.

Although again, I know this person cares for me.

So I don’t know how to explain it.  It’s just a matter of a person just being hopeless or helpless or one of them – who knows.

So that’s it.

Mourning this loss.  I thought today they may email but no.

I feel a bit strange going to the group meetings again.  This other person that was having an issue with me is there and I don’t want to see them or be near them.

Spirit tells me to take it one step at a time.  I don’t have a need to go there now, so think about it when I have that need.

Rely on Spirit.  They will bring more resources.  Give me more inspiration.  I have enough power to do this on my own (with them).

Letting that pattern go of feeling I need someone to make me or my projects successful.

Ok, oh well.

Moving on…