April 8, 2013

I’ve been realizing that this could go into some of my moocher ways.  I don’t want to call myself a name, so let’s just say when I have mooched.

This is programming from growing up, the name calling of “moocher” (amongst others, of course)

While I was picking up dinner I realized that this again has to do with money dynamics.

I notice how recently I met two guys who were well to do — actually three.  And I see how unconsciously I go into flirty mode and trying to get something from them mood.

Unconsciously my thought goes to – maybe they can get this apartment for me that I loved.  Maybe they can upgrade my life.

Now before you go into judgment, just know that we all do this in one way or another, but again most people don’t even realize they are doing this.

I realized this – and I am sharing this – because I put a lot of weight on becoming conscious / aware and I spend a lot of time and energy – as well as money on healers to help me get to this level.  So that’s why I’m sharing it…. because I am aware of it.  It came to my awareness.

So I realized that this was another example, how I am looking towards my students to financially provide for me.  And how I went into a minor panic on where is money coming in?  How will it come in?  etc…

Because I am seeking a nice sum of money and have no idea where this amount of money will come from.

That’s at the root of some fear going on here.  One of the many thoughts swirling in my head that I am weeding through and healing, one by one.

This is a transition time.  When programs are ending for students and I need to find new ones.  I should be happy that they are “graduating” all the huge changes, but instead I am in fear of oh my, who will be next and how do I go about getting new students?

I have always relied on Spirit to bring students to me.

Remember, this was when I had my parents as a potential money crutch or my ex as a potential money crutch – that if I ever needed the money they would provide.  Now keep in mind, I never asked, and money would come in, I would always be provided for… but now that no one is there, I have these fears that I am dealing with.

It’s hard to explain the feelings unless you have really experiences ONLY relying on yourself for money or something else.

All these years I have relied on Spirit for everything — except money.

Sure, I have asked Spirit for money, but it didn’t really seem to come — or rather it could come in the form of a parent / my ex paying for something.  So this is the way the Universe gives, but now it has to give to me in another way.

It has to give me money directly.

And this has been bringing up fear.  Concern at times.  Worry.  Primal stuff.

I told Spirit, please be there for me.  This is the first time I am looking at you for this.  I made the decision to upgrade my life.  Upgrade my career and my money situation.  Please take care of me.

I see how I have trouble trusting.