June 9, 2013
There’s a new show on TV called Mistresses.
I have been sitting here for the last few days debating whether to start making videos about this or not. Should I even bother?
Why is everything a bit debate?
My mind says, what’s the point of it?
The other thing my mind says is, I don’t like always taking the “against” position.
This was the thing with Scandal, I was against certain scenes. Almost like a fight. My shadow self coming out.
And here it is again with this show.
After much debate, this is what I posted on Twitter:
Am I going to start doing this again?
The fear is that I’m “against” stations like ABC — and that’s not good, if I want to work for them, right?
Against shows that promote stupidity, whoring around, etc like Bad Girls Miami
And there are plenty of others of those
Against people in development who put out that garbage just for the pay check.
I’ve made all types of videos like this.
I don’t want to be a critique. That’s everything I am trying to get away from. Judging.
So how do I do this by being FOR something?
I started using shows to teach from…
How can I teach from this show? I could talk about moral dilemmas about cheating. Moral dilemmas about relationships, marriage?
And does that mean I need to get dressed today to make a video?
I do plan on swimming, so maybe after that?
I feel tired by the constantly putting myself out there — trying to make things happen.
Or rather, let me rephrase that, making things happen.
It gets exhausting.
The mind goes to say, what has it brought me? By putting this effort out there?
But I do like talking about this stuff… so use it as my outlet as that, rather than feeling like it’s a constant audition to tv execs to “hire me, hire me”
I feel tired by all of this.
So tired. Just exhausted.
I just want things to pop off. Stop with all the trying and for it to just happen already.
But it is happening..
But still I end up feeling tired. Spent.
PS: After I hit publish on this post, I thought, maybe I do these videos differently? Rather than making it all polished and a short video, maybe I do it just stream of thought, talking to the camera, like I was watching with Wendy’s after the show videos. Less preparation, just talking… sharing thoughts?
PSS: I will tell you something I’ve noticed. I stopped posting my videos all around the web – all around Facebook groups. Fuck that. I just post it on my page and my blog. People can come to me, rather than me being like a chicken head desperate to get viewers. Screw that. Proud of myself for doing that… I don’t think that was good for my self esteem and it also goes against what I teach of attracting people to you, being happy about who you are and that energy drawing people to you… good for you Blaire.