April 8, 2013

All day I have been processing.

I am in anger of this student and in anger with me.

Mad that I let this type of relationship enter my life.

Mad that I sensed it over a year ago, it annoyed me back then (a warning) but I let it continue since they were a student, coming consistently, and paying me.  No one else was showing up — well that’s not true, it all dwindled down.

I have ended these patterns with my family of origin.

Ended this with friendships.

See them in intimate relationships, although I am just starting to be ready / open up to this again.

And now it’s showing up with my students.  Ending this as well.

I question if I am to move forward and screen better.

I am grateful, cause this gives me clues how to do that.

Mad cause I thought I was doing a good job screening.

Mad cause I thought I was doing a good job putting up boundaries.

Mad that I have to have this conversation with them.  Or maybe not.

Mad that I’ve been dealing with this for over a year.

Mad that I didn’t have the guts to say something and put an end to the behavior – that its unacceptable right from the beginning –

I am supposed to be processing today — instead I have been trying to figure out how to move forward.

I teach about healthy boundaries and I feel this may be time for me to teach my students about this on a deeper level than what I have been doing up to this point.

I work one on one with my students in a very intimate way — so the dynamics they have with their family of origin comes off / projects onto me.

I have been avoiding this conversation and trying to energetically dance around it and set boundaries, but the student brought it up recently something about our relationship — and I feel that I am called to use our relationship as an example of unhealthy energy exchange, this person is always trying in sneaky ways to pull more from me.

I also feel that this may be time that I am finished with these types of students — but then again I also feel that this is an excellent opportunity – and we are all this way in relationships at one time or the other (I was there too with my first healer) — and I don’t know if she did me any justice by ignoring it or scooting around it, maybe I would have benefitted if she taught me about it rather than ignored it.

I am also mad that students get mad at me.

How I can feel it in their energy and how I accept this, in order to help them.

This reminds me of a student several months ago who had a session and then acted really fucking weird / anger came up for them.  They didn’t continue, thank g-d.  But again, I am helping people clear on deep levels these things come up.

I was once thinking — actually all this year, taking pride that I help people clear anger, but now I am mad about it — I don’t want to be around that.

I don’t deserve to be around that.

They should be kissing my ass to have me be around them when they are releasing.

But they don’t.

When my healers help me clear anger, I thank them so much.

Why are my students not in such appreciation?

I’m pissed about it.  It’s not right.  And I don’t need to be doing that.

I need to accept different types of students.

Screen them differently.

So many thoughts swirling in my head today– and yes, I am giving myself a dull headache.

I will take a clearing bath and sit out in the moonlight tonight — I need to release the trigger for me and insights will come when they come — Spirit says “Maybe it doesn’t have to make sense”  “Maybe you don’t need to know why it happened”

Today I need to care for me, rather than come up with a million ways I will move forward with my business having to do with this.