June 9, 2013

I received this message from the guides a few times (through a book I have) asking what kind of leader am I?  What kind of leader do I want to be?   Now I will think and journal about it…

The message said a few things that I am still processing, that I don’t feel so comfortable about.

I guess not so comfortable about admitting.

And that’s a discussion about using fear to control — and about being a leader that tries to control.

This is something I have been thinking about for quite sometime in working with students.

It’s this sort of thing that you want to get them reliant on you so they keep coming back.  So they keep coming to see you.

I’ve noticed this method with one of the big time teachers/healers that I watch and I see how it works for her.

I see how she has people under her spell and as a result a huge following.

Yes, I’ve felt jealous.

So I started modeling how she speaks to people.  And yes, it’s a controlling way to teach.  Implanting thoughts, fears into their mind — that they need her in order to go deeper and in order to go to a higher vibration.

This is a sensitive post to me right now.  I expect to be processing this today.

I see how I try to control over Facebook.  The trying to share in a way so people see I’m valuable and keep coming back.  So they are reliant on me.

So they see my value.

So they want to work with me.


It’s disgusting.  I feel bad for doing this.  And you know it hasn’t been working.

But there’s fear about doing it another way.  I’m not sure I know how to healthily do it another way…

If I just share out of love, rather than trying to control – what would that look like?

I feel like it would be setting myself up for more abuse.  More being taken advantage of and I don’t want that.

Like I said, I’m breathing through this today.  Thinking about this today.  Processing it.  Healing it.

There was a new name of a guide that came to help me with this.  I think actually he may be an ascended master.  I will call on him to help me release my control issues and the fear I carry that is causing me to try to lead this way.

I’m not sure what kind of leader I want to be at this point.

I need to find new models.

New models who are successful…. models who are doing it in a new way.

I’ll have to think about this today.  It makes me feel bad…. although I know I’m just learning and it’s good that I’m learning now as I am coming into my own.  So again, all in good timing.

PS:  I just made a video about the new show Mistresses.  It’s 20 minutes long.  That’s too long I think.  I also notice nasal issues and maybe a dry mouth.  I need to do my sinus wash.  That’s a thing I’ve had worsen since being in FL — and why is my mouth always so dry?  Dry tongue.  Haha. That’s gross.  Sorry for sharing it.

Well, after making the video I don’t feel like sharing it.

Who gives a fuck.  I’m not in the mood.  Why bother?

Again, putting out more energy when I’m feeling drained, tired, and not filled up.

I seem to get real confused about what is sharing from the heart and because I desire to and am inspired — and what is sharing when really I shouldn’t be and instead should be in receiving mode.