June 9, 2013

So from the last post, I realize that I’ve always had followers.

Whenever I had creative ideas, people were always game to do them with me.  They wanted to be part of the fun.

Same deal with whenever I would go clubbing, people always wanted to come, always wanted to be there with me.

And in class, I’m talking about graduate school, whenever I would share things, people would listen and I felt an admiration.

So it looks like whenever I am in my passion, I have followers.

When I am doing something — creating, I have followers.

That would also mean that whenever I am sitting around, feeling sorry for myself, I do not.

People don’t want to be around a pity party.  They don’t want to be around downer energy either.

So what does this tell me?

I think #1 – Facebook has really screwed with my brain.  You post and if people don’t “like” or “comment” I have fallen into that trap feeling that I’m useless.  That no one likes me or cares about what I’m saying.  That no one is watching.

So again this tells me #2 – It’s best if I just go off my intuitions.  Rather than real life evidence, like comments on my blog posts (which by the way, I’ve been getting much more lately as well as personal emails sent to me with people telling me thank you)

So hmm, what do I do about this?

Again I think it goes back to the not paying attention to what others are doing, thinking, or not doing.

Stopping seeking others approval.

Why has this been so hard for me?

Seek only my own approval.

It’s like one can write this a million times or think they know it at a certain level but then still look out there for confirmation.

I wonder if it has to do with children who didn’t get enough attention or approval from their parents… so they are constantly looking to others to give them that approval, because they weren’t filled up and encouraged enough when they were young.

My parents encouraged me but it was intermittent, definitely didn’t feel like — and definitely wasn’t like showers of approval or encouragement.

Hmm… I think I have to make a sign that says this.  Wondering how to write it so it means something deeper to me.  Sinks in deeper…