November 8, 2012
Private sessions and my in person talks with students are starting to feel a lot like friendship. I’m not too sure what to think about this. Of course it makes me feel good and connected… a place of belonging. But the other side of me wonders, is this wrong? My experience with Spiritual Teachers and Healers that I’ve worked with has been some boundaries. Coldness. A disconnect. And you know, I’ve never liked that – it would actually bother me and on a certain level, hurt me. In a certain way, I felt rejected by those who I was closest too… who knew my internal happenings, that I poured my heart out to, that I at times cried on the phone with.
So with these people, there was still some coldness that I felt… although they always put on this “facade” which is maybe what I am calling it.. or maybe judging it to be 🙂 as love. Being loving. Sharing love. Whatever love bullshit.
But now I just see it for what it was, coldness.
Also, maybe just not their personality type. That’s a good explanation for it as well.
But anyway, although they were good teachers and healers for me at the time – and although for sometime I modeled myself after their behaviors, because again I thought it was professional.. and the “way to act” I now see shifts.
Shifts to my way of being. My way of acting. My personality. My style.
Before I used to walk into an event to teach and I would feel afraid.
I would feel like I had to prove myself. That I was going in front of a hostile audience.
For many years of my life… up until a few days ago… I’ve felt this when I was making videos, sending out newsletters, posting on Facebook, and on…. that I had to prove myself. That people didn’t trust me. Didn’t believe me. That they thought I was crazy.
Now I don’t feel that anymore. Or maybe I am still transitioning out of it…
But either way, it’s good movement.
Movement towards more love.
Movement towards more of me.
Movement towards who I am supposed to be and how I am supposed to present myself to the world.
Coldness has come down. My heart has opened more – and I share.
Share who I am. My personality, my warmth and I let people in. And yes, that means as friends.
So although it may – sometimes – feel weird that maybe I am getting too close to this person or that person — or thoughts of maybe I am not being professional — or maybe someone will look at me too much as a friend and not want to pay me as their teacher… I’m dealing with it. I’m transitioning out of those fearful thoughts. I am welcoming in the new. I’m being a friend and letting myself as well as others know, they belong.
Amen to that.