November 8, 2012

Private sessions and my in person talks with students are starting to feel a lot like friendship.  I’m not too sure what to think about this.  Of course it makes me feel good and connected… a place of belonging.  But the other side of me wonders, is this wrong?  My experience with Spiritual Teachers and Healers that I’ve worked with has been some boundaries.  Coldness.  A disconnect.  And you know, I’ve never liked that – it would actually bother me and on a certain level, hurt me.  In a certain way, I felt rejected by those who I was closest too… who knew my internal happenings, that I poured my heart out to, that I at times cried on the phone with.

So with these people, there was still some coldness that I felt… although they always put on this “facade” which is maybe what I am calling it.. or maybe judging it to be 🙂 as love.  Being loving.  Sharing love.  Whatever love bullshit.

But now I just see it for what it was, coldness.

Also, maybe just not their personality type.  That’s a good explanation for it as well.

But anyway, although they were good teachers and healers for me at the time – and although for sometime I modeled myself after their behaviors, because again I thought it was professional.. and the “way to act” I now see shifts.

Shifts to my way of being.  My way of acting.  My personality.  My style.

Before I used to walk into an event to teach and I would feel afraid.

I would feel like I had to prove myself.  That I was going in front of a hostile audience.

For many years of my life… up until a few days ago… I’ve felt this when I was making videos, sending out newsletters, posting on Facebook, and on…. that I had to prove myself.  That people didn’t trust me.  Didn’t believe me.  That they thought I was crazy.

Now I don’t feel that anymore.  Or maybe I am still transitioning out of it…

But either way, it’s good movement.

Movement towards more love.

Movement towards more of me.

Movement towards who I am supposed to be and how I am supposed to present myself to the world.

Coldness has come down.  My heart has opened more – and I share.

Share who I am.  My personality, my warmth and I let people in.  And yes, that means as friends.

So although it may – sometimes – feel weird that maybe I am getting too close to this person or that person — or thoughts of maybe I am not being professional — or maybe someone will look at me too much as a friend and not want to pay me as their teacher… I’m dealing with it.  I’m transitioning out of those fearful thoughts.  I am welcoming in the new.  I’m being a friend and letting myself as well as others know, they belong.

Amen to that.