January 19, 2013

All of my life the mantra has been as follows…. “It’s not me, it’s you.”  What did this refer to?

Well, in childhood, it wasn’t the girls who picked on me… well, it wasn’t their fault.

It was mine.

Be kind, take the high road.  They are jealous.  No self growth on their part.  No responsibility taken.  They til this day probably don’t even know what they were guilty of.  This was in elementary, in middle school, and in high school….

With my family of origin, my father would be an asshole, make me feel uncomfortable, be a dick…. and it was ME who didn’t want to talk about it, hug and make out.

It’s not ME… as in him, who has the problem, it was me who was blamed.

Anything that happened in our family – well, not anything that’s a bit extreme – but when there were issues between me and my family members, well it was my problem.  I was in the wrong.  It’s not me… as in them… it’s YOU as in ME.

So like all patterns do they follow us.

Follow us until they are healed.

With my ex, he was never the one who was being a dick or making my life a hell hole, he couldn’t seem to understand what MY problem was.

Same deal, when I told the stories to my mom… or a close friend, tales of how I was suffering… well, again it wasn’t him who had a problem… the suggestion was always on ME on what I could do differently.

And here it is again, in writer’s group.  And yes, I put up with it for quite sometime – maybe over a year now.  But not anymore.  The buck stops here.  The patterns stops right this moment.

Yesterday I realized right after my talk with the leader of the group that there again was me asking the question in a weak way as to what was MY problem, what was I doing wrong… and that was the response I got.  Sure, this person told me that there is catty shit in the group, but they chose to do nothing about it.  (which is something I don’t get, but this is this person’s personality and also… wounding)

But as I continued to think about the situation as it just didn’t feel right, it came to me.  This time and you know, each time the problem is NOT ME, it’s YOU.

Them.  All of them.

This is not about me going through more self inspection and more “fixing” of my personality and behaviors, this is about me standing up and standing in my power – NO, You are the one who acted wrong, I am not accepting blame for this or anything anymore that does not have anything to do with me.

The problem does actually have to do with YOU

Don’t you dare try to live in denial around me…. try to put your wounds on me… try to get me to absorb or take on your bullshit by not looking at yourself in the mirror and passing the blame.

I’m not doing it anymore.  I’m not playing that role and no, the problem is not me – what I’m saying, how I’m saying it, etc – it’s actually you.

By the way, this is what I wrote on the group message board last night where there is a place for feedback…. I also wrote a private note to the lead organizer asking that they take the role of leader and say something to the co-organizer as I have been dealing with unprofessional and rude behavior from her for a long time and it is no longer acceptable.  If I’m feeling that way I’m sure she pulls that shit with others too.

“As always I appreciate the feedback and always find it helpful. As for critiques of others, I think attendees need to be clear as to what kind of critique they want. If you want others to give you feedback regarding grammar – then say it. If you want feedback about your concept – then say it. If you JUST want positive feedback then say that as well. I find it rude and unprofessional when you ask for feedback and then when it’s offered about how to make your book/writing better you exchange rolling of eyes and making faces with other group members. I also find it rude and unprofessional that one of the ones rolling eyes & making faces was a co-organizer. Critique group is about being open to making your writing / book better and I think it goes without saying, that we should all be acting professional and friendly towards one another. ”