June 1, 2013
And I’m proud of myself.
This post is from yesterday, related to what I wrote in my journal last night.
Well, yesterday I noticed some new developments in my life. Growth. Proud of myself.
FIrst off, my ex called me. Randomly. Kind of. After almost a year he is finally reaching out about this divorce. Only because I wrote him two emails a few days apart, also had to forward him something from the court — a note where they said they are closing our case soon. He has been unresponsive throughout.
Anyway, I was nervous speaking to him. Afraid. Of what? Getting my energy sucked. 🙂 He’s so controlling. And draining. And I didn’t want to get into a fight or go down that road again where he upset me or pissed me off.
The way Spirit arranged it, thankfully, he called when I was heading out to walk my dog. I was off to meet someone, so it had to be a really quick call.
The thing I’m proud of myself here was that I didn’t get sucked into the old dynamics between us. Me feeling bad for him because he doesn’t understand something about American’s workings – in this situation, the court case.. and then go and explain it to him. Drain my energy, get frustrated in the process, and then annoyed when he does nothing to follow up.
Instead, I left it in his hands. The ball is in his court. He has to call the court, he has to call a lawyer. Spend days upon days researching to find out the information, just like I did.
Good for me.
Proud of my growth. No more babying him. No more feeling bad for him. No more seeing him as a disempowered person because he’s British… slower than me with growth and researching stuff… makes slower decisions than me. No more coddling him. No more thinking he’s powerless. He is not. Time to grow up Mr Ex. Who cares. I don’t care anymore. You are no longer my responsibility. Which he never was, but that’s what I took on. Proud of myself. I left it at that. I stayed in my power. Stayed in my energy — did not make myself smaller, so he could connect with my energy. That’s what I used to do in the past. He would always get mad at me when I was in my power, when I would have any little attitude or annoyance with him cause I was upset or disappointed. Now I don’t care. Homey don’t play that.
Good for you Blaire. Proud of you. Growth. Healing. Yes!
Second situation — meeting this guy to sell my stuff. Or actually, my ex’s stuff. Hehe. Whatever, that was his deal, he left is all here when he left.
In any event, I went to meet this guy.
Cute by the way.
Anyway, the guy had to go get change. He went to the counter to go buy a soda. When he was up there I realized I had change. I was going to shout out to him that I had change…. that I could help him out. But I said, no Blaire, RECEIVE.
Practice receiving. Let him do the work.
You don’t need to take care of this. He didn’t even ask me if I had the change. He just went to take care of it himself.
That felt classy. I felt taken care of. I was able to — again, manage my energy, and enjoy the transaction. I stayed in my femininity, I received. It was beautiful.
Growth. Healing. Yes!
Look at me now! Hoo-ha!
PS: Ohh, by the way, i was tempted a few times, before I left to meet the guy to sell my stuff… and then later in the evening when I got home, to write my ex an email. Saying something that I was open to being cooperative, to getting these papers signed in the easiest and least expensive way in the fastest time — all this old shit. Overgiving. Being overly available. I am available. I have been throughout this whole thing. He knows how to reach me if he wants to. Just like I tried to reach him a million times and he tried to dodge me and acted immature. LET IT BE. And I did.
I don’t think I’m going to even need him in this anymore. I saw that 999 yesterday and again I’m taking this to mean this karmic cycle is closed. I think the way I handled yesterday’s conversation with that confirmed it. Thanks!