June 8, 2013

I seem to have insane boredom a lot these past weeks.

And I’m not a bored person.  That’s one thing I remember very clearly my mom used to always say about me.  She used to say I was always a person very happy in my own world.  That I always found things to do.  I was always happy being by myself.

Well, these days I feel so bored.

It has to do with a lot of time to myself.

A lot.

I’m not busy with my business.  Or rather I’m doing my business differently.   Plus that I’m not striving, working hard doing that, or working with students now — so I basically have time to hang out all the time.

No love life.

No friendships.

There’s nothing to do.

Lately I’ve also been upset about my scarcity eating.  I still eat but I feel like there is such lack in my cubbards and my refrigerator (there kind of is…).  It really does look like I’m moving with such minimal stuff there.

I try to not drive my car.  Which is something I like, but also is in the lack as well.  Cause I don’t want to fill up gas.  Uck, I kind of feel it’s a bad situation.


I walk around the same area every day.  My neighborhood and that’s boring too.

My life is pretty much the same each day.  Boring.

I would like to go to the beach.  But not so much.

I’d like to live at the beach so I can just walk there… I’m still missing that.

I feel like being social, but have no idea where to go since I’m not into bars and then there’s the lazy aspect that I don’t know where else I would go, nor do I want to spend money to get there or pay for things once I’m there.

So it leaves me nowhere.  It leaves me here.

Now there is also an upside to this.

1 – I am resting.  Time for introspection.  Again I think I should cherish this time and be out in nature more, even if it’s just sitting at the pool, gratefully it’s been overcast so that’s a nice change of weather than the blaring sun.

2 – It gives me more motivation to do my heart’s desire.  To follow my dreams, cause that’s the only time that I’m feeling excited these days.

3 – Do more clearing.

I guess?

I’ve done so much clearing in my home and my life, that also leaves me with space… and boredom.

4 – Do artwork.

5 – Write songs.

6 – Meditate.  Use it like a monastery and just meditate for many hours.  Can I even do that?  Well, here’s your chance to try!  Haha

I see it as a creating the foundation, the funnel which is the desire to do my work, to be working with students, to fully expressing myself, to be on tv, to be doing my dreams — and that is a slow burn.  A slow increase…. that foundation keeps growing and growing.  That desire keeps growing and growing…. so that when it’s time to act, it’s in full force, full passion to launch out there.

It’s a building of intention and intense desire.  For friendships that are fulfilling, romance that’s fulfilling, a career that’s fulfilling, a life that’s fulfilling.  I feel all of that is waiting — building up the fire for it… and then LAUNCH

Also, I should remind you I don’t watch TV anymore.  My HDMI cable broke and again, due to not wanting to spend money on anything but survival (oh g-d, really?)  that’s not getting fixed either.  So now even less TV and access to that stuff.

I have things to research but all the research gets tiring.

No desire to read books.  That’s been for almost a year now…. (big difference of how I used to be)

And still that waning desire with Facebook.  Really, what’s the fucking point?  That love/hate relationship continues.  I posted some things yesterday (even though I try not to) about animals and the environment and again I think — what’s the fucking point?  No one “likes” or comments.. or very few.  Who gives a shit and why do I keep putting my energy out there?  Let’s focus on balance and receiving.

Fuck all of that.