April 12, 2013
WOW. WOW. WOW. I am so grateful for all the shifts I am receiving today. It’s really fantastic.
I TOTALLY SEE this situation with my student differently now.
Let’s do a review — and watch how this shifts!!! I have to add that this all happened because of my dedication to get to the truth of this, the courage to look at parts of myself that I was uncomfortable about, also the strength and courage to dig deep. It went from anger, to embarrassment, to compassion, to discomfort, to being in integrity, then to enlightenment and awareness — and a changing with how I look at my work, how I present my work, how I price it, etc.
Here we go…. this is going to be a long post. But it’s worth it. HANG TIGHT.
********** first post ********** FEARS — JUDGMENT — GUILT — INTEGRITY
I kept asking for divine guidance and kept praying — I was asking for courage, compassion and love. This pattern came to light that developed between one of my students and I. They have been doing things, energetically and verbally to control me. I noticed this awhile ago, but let it go because they were a student and I saw the wounds that needed to be healed. This was an old pattern of mine, letting people get by with behavior that made me feel uncomfortable, as well as the pattern of looking at the reasons why they were doing something and giving them a “free pass” to do it. But I’m not accepting this behavior anymore and I feel our time (this student and mine) time is over. I recently noticed how I’ve been stuffing my feelings of discomfort around them, for the sake of their sessions – but again I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to make myself feel bad and I don’t want to do anything that I don’t want to do. This person is on a great high from all that we’ve done together and all that was cleared. They are happy and I’m feeling like shit. Now there are some issues here that I’m dealing with 1) I feel bad about “leaving” this person. The person has abandonment wounds, as well as people not liking them wounds, not fitting in, not belonging, etc. I feel terrible, being their healer doing this to them if I choose to end our sessions like I want to 2) I know I can help this person. There is still deeper things going on, sexual abuse that we’ve just touched the surface of, verbal abuse, emotional abuse. I also know this is why they act the way they do. As a healer I feel like I’m not doing my job, if this is what I am here to help people with, why am I saying, “no, not this person” 3) When I look at things from my personal standpoint, I do’nt want to be around this person’s energy anymore. Something shifted in me and now I am totally repelled. 4) I feel it’s in integrity to just let them go. I’m at a point that there are strong emotions on my side that have come to the surface that I question if I would be doing any good anyway. Professionally I know the answer is to let them go. 5) I question if I’m running away from something here. Although I don’t think I am, I think I’m in clarity. But still I feel some sort of guilt for not liking one of my students, not being there for them anymore, etc. 6) And then there’s the money issue. I have to give a refund. What a funny way the Universe works. I am working on my lack mentality – I have been doing this and I also think this may be a test for me to upgrade here — but that money is already spoken for. I have it already allotted for basic living needs. Oh G-d. And this is what keeps me stuck. and this is where I know I have to just release and take the leap, but I’m afraid. To be in integrity. Close up the sessions, refund, and move on, towards the light and the highest good of all. I will be okay with money (but will I?) These are fears. I have been struggling with this for days now.
********** second post ********** TRYING TO BE IN INTEGRITY, LOST, CONFUSED, FEAR
The other thing I will add here is that I don’t even know what/how to refund this person for the remaining few sessions that are left. I don’t charge hourly — I charge per package, so my concern is how this person will react to the number I come up with and the possible implications related to that – they hired me for a service.
THEN I GOT MORE CLARITY ON NEW POLICIES ON HOW I WORK TO BE IMPLEMENTED
**** third post ***** FEAR THOUGHTS – FAILURE THOUGHTS — INTEGRITY
Although I feel good about my decision to let this person go and refund the remaining sessions – is that did I somehow fail? Although I think it’s really I succeeded here, as they got what they set out as an intention of working with me — and although I personally feel there’s more for them to heal, I think they are happy -i know they are happy at where they are. It’s in integrity that I close out the sessions and allow them and me on their way, rather than continuing just for the money and when I feel that I am no longer needed. But I can’t help but deal with the failure thoughts now, that maybe I let them down, that I’m not “man” enough to get over my discomfort and to keep it professional.. but I also know it’s best that I take care of myself and also follow the guidance I’m given
TRYING TO DETACH FROM OUTCOME, HONORING INTUITIVE AND BEING IN INTEGRITY, HONORING MY FEELINGS
Will continue in next post… getting too long