January 15, 2013

I’ve been thinking about this since I started doing these videos…. and although I know I “shouldn’t” be analyzing this or trying to figure it out (see last posts about getting out of the flow…) I will make some comments related to this.

1 – I know that I am stirring the pot with people.

2 – I see how I am being a sort of antagonist.  Bully?    Again, this goes into making a movement and standing for something…

3 – Am I trying to win people over?  Yes.  I see how this relates to family of origin, but I was successful at it.  I went from not feeling understood with my parents, to seeing how they debated me all these years, to having more power (I feel) than them, more self mastery and understanding of myself and the world, and now have become the teacher of them.  A power over them.  I share all this alternative stuff with them and am able to win each and every time.

4 – Did you have an issue with me saying “I have power over them?”  Yes, something maybe for you to journal about.  It’s something I am examining as well.  Does power = control.  Yes, probably.  I use my power for good.  Some, maybe many do not.  This was what my last video was about.

5 – Is this an ego thing?  No, I don’t think so.

6 – Why am I putting myself in the line of fire like this?  The person who may take in other people’s negativities?  Good question.  Still wondering about this…. questioning if it needs to be healed, something “off” about me, a wounding.  Let’s look at it this way…. I was sharing love with my videos and no reactions.  It was like I was invisible.  At least that’s how I felt.  I was effecting people, but they were silent, which I fucking hated.  Felt like I was being ignored.  That was a painful pattern from childhood that felt not nice.  Now, I am stirring the pot.  Not like I’m getting millions of comments, but people are reacting.  Is getting a reaction – some reaction – better than being ignored?  Good question.  Maybe decide for yourself…. I went through a period that maybe being ignored was better than being criticized, since the MarryBlaire website both brought me good praise and negativity.  It was more positive than negative, but I did feel beaten down by the naysayers.  Hurt, saddened, it was tough and followed me for years.  I “disappeared” from the scene, held back my light, because I didn’t want to be in the line of fire again.  All people who are doing great things, get slack.  Usually.  I think always.  But now I have gone through healing of that.  I have found that it is also painful – more so – to hide my light and play small and be ignored.  I can’t do that anymore.  I don’t want to do that anymore.  So now we’re on the other end here?  Not sure, maybe.

7 – Am I looking for abuse?  Does this feel comfortable to me?  Nope.  Again, I know I am wiser.  I have more power than these people.  That’s what spirituality and spiritual practices has brought me – power – self mastery.  I’m not saying I’m perfect and maybe this is ego speaking… although I do just know it’s the truth – I’m more powerful than these naysayers, I see them for who they are, and I know that their “naysaying” is just a way of waking up.  I feel happy when they post cause to me it feels like “I’ve got them”

Is that a sick thought?  A drive for power?  I don’t know.  G-d knows.  That’s who I am.  One of my healers once told me when the topic of power came up and this was many many years ago, she said if people … ohh, I don’t remember now.  How funny.  I think it was something like, if people don’t like talking about power that means they are afraid of it?  Again, wow, can’t remember.  That’s odd.

8 – Martin (Luther King) reminds me that when he first spoke out that he had few people who were by his side.  He spoke out cause it was right to and because he was guided.  Like me.  He reminds me that even the black people were not open to him and following his lead.  They were okay with their place in society, they accepted it.  (I saw this in a movie on him recently)

I do this because I am guided.  Because it feels so damn good.  Because I know it is my path – right now – of what to do.  So I am doing it.

I wake up this morning and listed in my Facebook feed is from this spiritual lady who reads oracle cards and gives readings.  She wrote this…. which I can’t help but feel is inspired by my posts and maybe even a message to me (paranoid much? hehe)

“Staying aware of not needing to fix anyone or anything.”

hehe.  Isn’t that just the Spiritual person anthem.  Keep quiet and carry on.  She also ends up being British and that’s a British thing as well – to mind your own business.

And yes, it’s true what she writes, nothing needs to be fixed, everything is perfect just the way it is, but also by speaking out that is how change occurs.  We are here to be agents of change.  Again, she and I have different roles to play in this world.  All very interesting.

I know I am a leader.  She is not.  That’s no offense to her.  It’s just not her role.

Very interesting.  I’m tempted to copy that status and use it as a teaching moment.  But then am I pissing her off?  Starting up with my spiritual people?  How stupid that I would even say “my” spiritual people… cause they’re not.

Am I making myself back to a solo artist?

Am I fighting this “battle” on my own?

All these questions.  Just letting it be.  Doing as I feel guided.


PS:  I posted it and it feels so damn good.  Exhilarating.

TO ALL SPIRITUAL PEOPLE: Saw this on my Facebook feed this morning, “Staying aware of not needing to fix anyone or anything” — ISN’T THIS THE ANTHEM OF ALL SPIRITUAL PEOPLE? To keep our mouth’s shut, not judge, not speak out, and carry on, minding our own business. To send love, be love and keep it moving. BULLSHIT. We all have our different roles here on Earth and for some of us it may be to “do nothing, observe, and just be” but for others – MOST OF US – we are here on a mission and that includes BEING SEEN and SPEAKING OUT. This is how spiritual people keep other spiritual people down. They say that if you are opinionated, if you speak out, if you cause a stir that you are being “UN” spiritual. My friends, this could not be further from the truth! TOO MANY SPIRITUAL PEOPLE ARE PASSIVE AND NOT ASSERTING THEMSELVES TO EFFECT THIS WORLD WITH POSITIVE CHANGE. We are here to bring our love and light to others. To awaken others. To enlighten others. Not to sit in silence and keep our knowledge to ourselves…. to pray and meditate each day and post stupid spiritual sayings on our Facebook pages all day. Garbage! It also, in my eyes does NOTHING if you take your spiritual knowledge and awareness and simply preach to the choir – which in my eyes, is gathering spiritual people and sharing with them your thoughts and views, these are people who ALREADY think the same way you do. This doesn’t do much either. It is time to take a stand! This is to all the spiritual people who are reading this post – it’s time to speak out. Find what you are passionate about and speak out. Cause a stir. Be seen. Get over your fears of being criticized and mocked. We are in human bodies, so use your HUMAN voices and your HUMAN bodies to make a change. To change this world for the better and to make a difference. You praying all day, or keeping silent, or not feeling like you have to change anyone or anything keeps you doing nothing but in your own world with your own G-d. (which is not a bad place to be, but it’s not why you are here on Earth!) This is what I am speaking out about. What is Spirit guiding you to speak out about? The time is now.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YaT3aCS3oM&feature=youtu.be