November 16, 2012
In that last video you saw me talking about personal power. This post is about such personal power – and even though I made that video a few weeks ago, a new realization has just come to me. I am grateful.
You see, for several months, on and off, I was concerned about my in person weekly talks. I stopped them for awhile, as I shared with you because of other issues that were more pressing (see past posts) but this time around, a new issue has come to the forefront. A new discomfort – that was there in the past – but has come back around to my awareness.
This is the issue of doing healing work at a fraction of the cost.
You see, only 1-2 people show up on a weekly basis so it’s always a very intimate gathering. I got over my issues of “I need a lot of people there or I feel insecure and/or unsuccessful” – to me it’s not about the numbers now…. it’s been about the much lower cost healing work.
You see, my style is very personal. I share personal examples from my life and the people I attract are around my age. It’s like a hang-out, but it’s not. It’s me working, but the lines get blurred – by them and by me.
In each gathering, one of the members will go off on a long personal story and share their personal issue that they are currently struggling with. This happened when there were more people in the group as well, which again was in my mind in the past but never fully realized or handled by me…. I never came to peace with what to do.
When I’ve been to small gatherings where my teacher was teaching, they would do one of two things…
1) Sit there in silence, let the person go on chatting for a long time about their personal story, and then say nothing or thank you. That was it. (by the way, I’m a big chatter with my stories or issues as well, in case you didn’t already know this…) 🙂
2) Start doing some teaching or healing or coaching work… giving personal attention.
Now I don’t know if they had issues with this situation. I think it’s what every spiritual teacher has to come to peace with on how they are going to handle it. It’s one of those things you learn through.
So here I am now….
All along I’ve been labeling myself as “rude” and “having no patience” when people go off on their stories… but now I have come to new realizations. I have come to a place of peace and clarity and here it is….
This wasn’t a “bad” side to me, as I had labeled. I wasn’t being a “bad” person. It was simply the side of me that loves and values my work was trying to speak up.
That side of me was saying…. “Blaire, no! Value yourself. This is private healing work that you do… this is not the place for personal stories and private healing…. no! no! no!”
And although I heard that in my head, I didn’t know how to “fix it.”
I couldn’t come up with the solution. Until now.
I had a chat with one of my spiritual teachers and did some work on it on my own – and now I get it.
This is personal healing work. And no, for me, events like this are not the place for me to listen to and give healing work for the person to do.
This is a boundary issue. As well as a value issue.
In order to remedy this, I started sounding like a broken record and was hating myself every step of it… “You know, I can help you in a private session with this…. this is what I do in healing sessions”
Now of course I do more in healing sessions… but it was at least a start, an attempt to make things better.
And it didn’t work.
Instead I got more frustrated. Angry.
“They are using me for my healing work at a fraction of the amount”
And yes, that’s true.
But here’s what I learned.
1 – The reason I was getting impatient with these types of stories at this public event was because I was not getting paid to listen to what was going on in their lives… and to help them
2 – I am a patient person… again, this is my job, so understandably I would get frustrated when I am being “forced” (as that’s what it felt like) to listen and help… when I didn’t feel I was getting paid to do so
3 – I was getting frustrated and upset, maybe even angry sometimes because of these events, because I would put it out there to do a private session and they wouldn’t… or at least not yet. I was too involved… WHY? Because I would hear their issues each week – – – I would get insights each week to help them — and then I would either share… half share… or keep my mouth shut (as I saw my spiritual teachers do) in a way to honor my gift and my work. But this all frustrated me. It frustrates me when I hear people’s stories… and then I can’t help…. and in my mind, I can’t help unless I’m getting paid for it… because again, this is my job… and then if I do help, I get even more pissed off and then at myself for giving away my gift and not valuing it.
4 – Normally, if I hear someone talking about whatever issues they are struggling with I would listen for a little bit, walk away, or let them know I can help them with it. And then they would either become a private student or not. No big deal. I get it now… the reason why this was bothering me is because I felt I had no power. In a way it was torture for me. Disrespecting of myself. Why? Because if they didn’t want the private help, then that’s fine… but since I would go do the event each week and because they would come I was then “stuck” listening to what was going on in their head week after week… I wasn’t able to walk away. But now it’s all changed. I took my power back. I do have a choice and I get it now.
I was getting intuitions and upset… which turned into frustration… which sometimes turned into anger… because I was not “able” to share it and because I would “have to” listen to it each week over and over again, the same stumbling blocks… so no doubt, my frustration would build. I get it now. I didn’t feel I had control. Felt I was stuck listening cause I wanted to be a “nice” spiritual teacher. So I labeled myself. Made myself wrong. But I wasn’t wrong….
And it’s not that I’m not patient
Or that I’m rude.
It was my body’s way… my Spirit’s way of saying, something needs to change here.
And that’s exactly what has happened.
I decided to cancel my weekly events and switch to once a month.
I’m now doing more unique and fun spiritual events.
Another idea came to me today…. here it is.
The Appreciation Party.
This way, more time to promote. More people will come. More uniqueness. And more of an agenda, so it doesn’t go into “complaints” or “helping” – again, I want to reserve this for my private students.
So, nothing wrong with that. Totally valid and I get it now. I’ve come to a place of peace and clarity. And it works out better for all of us. This way I’m happy and honoring myself. Valuing and appreciating my gifts. And standing in my power. Nice 🙂