November 12, 2012

I’m a boss.  A g-d damn boss.  I’ve always been a boss.  Bossy, that is.  At least that’s what family members called me – and as a result it was looked at as “bad” and shunned, by me and by them.

“Blaire’s a boss”

“Blaire’s bossy”

Well, fuck yea.  Yea, that’s right.  I am a boss because I know what I like and I know what you should do.  That’s right, I said it… I know what YOU should do.

Now hold up.  I know again this may come off as harsh, but this is who I am.

I went to graduate school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist and got the same messages played in my ears as I got from my family members… “Don’t tell clients what to do!”

This message (at grad school) wasn’t directed specifically at me, but it was a general comment that was said over and over again.  That’s how my program worked.  Let the client tell you what they can do.  What they need.  What they want to do.

And yea, I get it.  People know what they want.  They know what they are capable of.

But so do I.

Before my gift was revealed.  My gift of being psychic that is, I didn’t really understand the boss thing.  That’s how I was and I didn’t make any judgment about it.  But as I just shared, everyone around me did.

They didn’t like my forcefulness.  My knowingness.  My passion.  I guess…

They didn’t like being told what to do.

I guess no one likes that.  I sure as hell don’t.  But then again… sometimes I do… well, maybe, I guess it all depends on who it’s coming from.

But let me get to it – this bossiness.

I am starting to understand it more.  I see now how it’s related to my psychic gift.  My gift of knowing.   My gift of what my students come to me for…. when I work with my guides they tell students certain exercises that would be good for them to do – which are the next steps for them on their journey.

They follow the steps, they get what they want.  Success.

It’s really that simple.

But here, these days I’m conflicted.

I feel a desire to tell it like it is, but also a pulling back of “ohh, that’s too bossy”

I’ll be in a session with a student and I’ll tell them to do the exercise which came through from Spirit.

I’ll tell them to continue sessions (if they are having their first session and I know I can be of help) but some don’t continue.  I don’t know why.  Maybe I was too forceful.  Maybe I wasn’t forceful enough.  Maybe they sensed that conflict in me between wanting to tell it like it is or keeping it to myself.  Maybe they didn’t want to do the work.  Maybe they didn’t want to change.  Maybe they found an excuse.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Human creatures are complicated.  I hate excuses.  I hate people who play the victim.  Fuck that.

And now I’ve just had a similar situation as well with my 4 Day Attract The One Retreat.  One of my students is perfect for this.  She’s at a point that we did enough healing work that she’s ready to learn how to attract love.  She was excited about the program.  Been asking about it for weeks.  But when the program went up and she saw the price tag, she said “no.”

She used the excuse of not having the money.

And I have used this excuse as well.

Hell we’ve all used this excuse.  But that’s all what it is, an excuse.  It’s not a true reason.

Not having the money is always an excuse.

And like I said earlier, I hate excuses.

As I am clearing out excuses from my life I see how I am having no patience for other people’s excuses.  It frustrates me.  I know this also means that I am frustrated with myself with whatever excuses I still am using in my own life…

Or whatever victim mentality I am still holding.

Or maybe it’s more of a focus on being honest.  Maybe that’s it here for me.  Rather than saying “I don’t have the money” – just to say the truth, which for me would be something like, I’d rather spend my money on something else.

I’m not saying this is her issue.  I don’t know what’s going on with her.  In our society we’re taught to believe in the scarcity of things rather than to use our power to manifest.  Also in our society we’re taught that saying “I don’t have the money” is better to say than what you may really be thinking… again, whatever that is for you.

So again, I don’t know what the story is for her.  This is my blog so I am to focus on myself.  I focus on my student’s healing in their sessions and on my healing on this blog 🙂

So there’s a few things going on with this blog post.

For one, I’m going to clean up my act on this a bit more.  Not use money as an excuse for not doing anything anymore.

And two, say the truth of things if I don’t want to spend my money on something or not…

Then, there’s this boss thing.  I know if you want to find the money for something, you can.  If you want to attract it, you can.  I have come up with money that I didn’t have for things that I knew I wanted.  It can happen.  It does happen.

But maybe she doesn’t see the value in what I’m offering.

Maybe she’s not really ready to get married.

Maybe she wants to try to learn how to get married for cheaper.

Who knows.

Tons of possibilities.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Again, there are MY excuses.  My victim mentality.  My round again in circles.

Maybe she’s just not ready.

Maybe I’m no longer the teacher for her.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I used to look the other way when someone would tell me an excuse.  I used to let them go through what they are going through, at their own pace, but somehow, now, this no longer feels acceptable.  I no longer want to say “Okay, when you are ready” when I don’t believe that or I think it’s total bullshit.

I am believing in their dreams more than them.  I am wanting them to happen more than them.

But isn’t that the type of teacher/healer you want?

I sure as hell do.  Someone to call me out when I am giving some lame ass bullshit answer.

But obviously a part of me isn’t okay with doing that.  Is fearful.  Unsure how people will react.

Again it comes back to self acceptance.  Can I accept my bossy self?  Can I accept the part of me that knows the answers?  That can see through someone’s answer or bullshit or self sabotaging answer?

I emailed this student (again) with a creative idea I came up with on how to do the retreat.  She said no again… about the money.

I have to let it go.  I would like to get her on the phone and work with her through this, but that would be doing more services (healing) on the phone and not getting paid for it.  Or I guess I could email her and say, hey, want to do healing sessions around your money issues?

That’s a new way.

But again, that feels pushy.  Maybe.  I feel I’ve annoyed her already.  I fear losing our relationship.  I like her.  We’ve gotten close through the months of working together.  She’s a friend in my head. I email her back and show my neurotic side.  Spiritual teachers/healers are supposed to have their shit together.  Fear of her thinking that I am trying to “get” her to sign up for something in order to get her money.

But it’s not about that.  I want her to step more into her greatness.  My passion outweighs hers.

Oh, I don’t know.  Hell no.  You have to really want this stuff.   I can’t give someone my passion – although my passion is helping others get what they want.

An incident happened in a Facebook private group yesterday as well.  I saw through someone’s story and rather than letting it go like I usually do – I called them out on it… and then apologized.

I’m passionate.  And bossy.

And I apologize and feel bad (again) for who I am.

I’m tired of apologizing for being bossy.  And I’m tired of second guessing my instincts.

This post is related to being intense that I wrote a few days ago…

I know this program would benefit her.  She knows it too.  I know you can’t force anyone to do anything, but I just don’t know how to handle it and doing it like I have been has just not been working.

There has to be another way.  One that makes me feel good being in my power and sharing my knowingness with others, but doesn’t scare away or bring with it the fear of being too forceful.

I’m opening myself to Spirit.  Surrendering for guidance.  And it always comes 🙂