March 25, 2013

It is clear to me I have to move forward.  And, guess what?  I’m hesitant to.  Wow.  Isn’t that interesting.  I’ve always looked at myself as one who wants to move forward, who is able to move forward, and who does move forward, yet here I am — after my most recent healing session with my teacher and I’m AFRAID.

Keep in mind I am writing this down now as part of my “please, let’s move forward Blaire” move – and I’m taking it easy today.

Again, doing nothing today — cause 1) I’m tired  2) it’s that time of the month and that’s why I’m tired and 3) because I notice I have concerns / FEARS about moving forward.

So what this makes me think is that there has always been a stopping place for myself, but in the past I never noticed it and blamed it on outside sources stopping me — but it was really my fear that was too overwhelming, this past life stuff that I am working through, that has kept me stuck.

I have to move forward with my book.  I have over 100 pages ready and it’s time for me to write my query and pitch agents.

I have to do this THIS WEEK.  I know I have to.

I need to put up a new program that came to me, fears of no one signing up, or putting out all this energy to promote it and again no one signing up and all that bullshit back and forth stuff my mind goes through.  Not wanting to feel like a failure again, not wanting to put out time or energy.  Fears about my livelihood, about my money — and this stems back to me cutting off my parents even more.  Again, they were always there as a money crutch to me, a possibility, and yesterday I felt a really strong pull to email my mom and say I was collecting my stuff that’s stored in her apartment — I know this is an upset to her, that I am really saying goodbye and letting go.

And I need to move forward, send this author a confirmation email and move forward with my interview with him.  This is no big deal, I’m just tired today to take care of this — plus the other two things are more important right now.

So big money fears.  I pray to AA Michael for strength and for courage to move boldly forward on my life path.  Oh G-d, it feels like I’ve never been here before, but then again so familiar like I’ve been in this position so many times before.  I need to take that leap of faith — I’m scared, afraid — for someone who talks about how much they trust Spirit, look at me…. I’m afraid

Afraid of not being able to do it on my own… although I have been

Afraid that Spirit won’t be there to catch / help me… although they have been

Afraid of failing, again — and not reaching my potential, all I dream of — although I have been assured that this is clearing and healing now… I know this is the case.

I know it’s that moment for me to spread my wings and fly.  Jump out of that bird’s nest with full faith — and I’m scared.

Oh g-d, why.

Praying today, will wake up refreshed and I know  I need to act tomorrow.

The pressure is building — it’s a feeling like I need to do it now.  Now is the time.

Oh g-d, please help me.

I want to be a success.

I allow myself to be successful

I accept my success

I fully receive my success

I can do this, please help me.  I’m scared.

PS:  My guides keep laughing in my ear as they point out the funniness of what is going on with me now.  I was guided to do a program called, “Getting Back Out There Program” — for people who haven’t dated or been in a relationship in years, to help them clear their anxieties and fear — and funny enough, that’s what I’m doing myself — Getting back out there, not in dating but in my career and I’m working on clearing my own fears.  It is kind of funny, I get their joke.