February 24, 2013

I have always — well, mostly always — been a person who has said that I enjoyed healing and growth and found it very fulfilling… and I’m sure I’ll be back to this stance tomorrow or the next day, but today, or rather this weekend, there have been so many ups and downs — mostly downs, related to the writing of this book.

Actually the whole journey of writing this book has been digging up – picking at old wounds, which I get it’s just healing them further and yes, I’m grateful for it — but the new memories that came up this weekend have been sad and disappointing, and the feeling of “I can’t do this anymore” has come up more than once and this isn’t something I’ve said ever.

I know this book will be a gift to the world, but today I’m feeling like I don’t know if I can participate in writing it anymore.

I’m concerned about shaming my ex, which I don’t want to do.  I’m concerned about shaming my parents, which I don’t want to do.  I see the gifts they have all brought me and I will write that too, it’s all in the plan, but today it’s feeling too dark and too secretive — and I question why Spirit wants me to share such private stuff, when I am a private person and would like to keep some things private.  I also feel quite upset / mild anger at Spirit for having me do such deep work this lifetime and questioning why I couldn’t just teach people surface level stuff.  Of course I love what I do and usually I am in an absolute state of gratitude, just this weekend and actually throughout the writing of this book I really wonder why I have to help people heal so deeply.  It’s nothing pretty, but yes there is always gifts — many gifts if you stick through it, in the end.

I don’t know if I want to keep writing… I don’t know if it’s right that I’m sharing what I am… and I don’t know if I can keep writing it.  I see how it’s further healing out everything, I just feel like I don’t want to bother and I have never felt this through my whole healing journey since I started working with a healer in 2006.