January 19, 2013

I had sent a letter to the leader of the writing group, rather than to the person – the co-organizer – who was rude last night.  I thought the protocol would be to notify the main person in charge and let them say something to the other co-organizer.

This person did what I knew they’d do… what they had done in the past when there was other chaos in the group happening — this person did nothing.

This disappoints me.  I notice how people tend to disappoint me a fair amount.

It’s like I have high hopes for others.  Bigger dreams for them than they have for themselves.  I would want him to stand in his power, be a leader, make commandments, smooth things out – – something, but no, nothing.

The irony here, this person puts themselves in a leadership position, yet is put off and refuses to take on all that leadership entails.

This is their life, yet I’m disappointed in them not fulfilling their potential.

Oy.  Talk about too much involvement… again.

This belief in someone’s greatness was made clear to me last night when I was talking to this person after group and they were sharing with me how most people that come to writer’s group are just writing for the fun of it.  Not many – most – are not going to get published or even try for it.

They explained to me that they tailor their feedback based on where the person is at and knowing if they are going to get published or not…. I was surprised by this.  It didn’t even occur to me to vary or rather, censor feedback that I was to give to a fellow writer.

I see each one of them as having the potential to be a published writer.  Reality check, this requires one goes for their dreams, this has the assumption that this is one of their dreams.

Reality check, my dreams for life are not necessarily other’s dreams for their life.

Go figure.

Again, Blaire is dreaming for others.  Expecting more of others.  Seeing others as greater than they truly are.  Waning more for their life than they even want for themselves.


That’s me.

Anyway, and this is a long post so it may be a continued one….

I realized that when the leader of the writer’s group didn’t take a stand for respect and professionalism, to lay down some rules of the group (they don’t like rules), I personally got offended.

How could this be?  Not standing up for me, which was the personal offense and not standing up for others – if I have been dealing with this co-organizers rudeness and disrespect and feeling uncomfortable by it for sometime then no doubt others (who no longer were attending) may have picked up on it as well.

I was upset.  Frustrated.  Angry.

Sure I can stand up for myself, but I guess my thought is why should I have to?

Come on Blaire, you know better than that and you are fully capable for standing up for yourself, you don’t need anyone to do it for you.

I wrote this person an email expressing my disappointment in their lack of leadership (in so many ways) and my letter was beautifully written… which means it was blunt, to the point, perfect in making my points… and yes, probably a bit on the cruel side.

Why do I do that?  How can I do that?

Why do what people do in their own lives get me so upset or angry?

I had to ask myself… why do I get so cruel?

I don’t think there was anything wrong with what I wrote this person, but I see how my dark side comes out.

My disappointed side.

My disgusted side.

My judging side.

My “you make me sick” side.

I am a person who’s pretty limited with patience.

Somewhat unaccepting of other’s lack of growth.

Oh gosh.  Why is this an issue?

I realize that I am not perfect.  I can’t be.  This is a part of me.  My dark side.