January 19, 2013

When I asked myself why I get so cruel?

The answer went something like this…

I get to a boiling point of being fed up with tolerating people.

Someone.  Everyone.

It’s like I’m accepting of their “humanness,” their shortcomings, or their lack of self development and empowerment…

I’m accepting and understanding of these things until a point.

It’s like I shove it down and shove it down… the annoyance.

I’m “looking past it” but I really think I am shoving it down.

Why am I shoving it down?  Who gives a shit what they do or where they are in their spiritual evolution?

It’s like I see these people – whoever – on a regular basis.  I may want to “ignore” them and their spiritual/emotional issues, as I view them and for the lack of a better word as I can’t think of one, but since I see them so frequently, I am forced to “take in” what’s going on in their life.  What I pick up as their “problems”

Again, I may be on the outside ignoring them….

But if I am seeing them on a regular, I am still picking up what is going on.  I always am picking up what’s going on….

I enjoy it.  As much as I hate “them,” I also love it.  I love studying people.

But there has to be some sort of daily DUMP that I do.  I wonder if there is something that I could do…

Something that I empty my impressions on someone… the issues or lack of whatever shit that I pick up… I dump the things that I pick up in them that need to be “fixed.”

I need to dump that somewhere.  It needs to be left elsewhere, not in my mind and not in my body.

So it’s like these things go on… and then something happens.

Like here, this writing group, I’ve been going to this group for over a year… maybe longer.  I haven’t been consistent with the year but I’ve seen these people enough.

Rather than me saying something right when the rudeness first happened… which back then I didn’t have the awareness and wasn’t fully in my power to call it out… but that built up in me.

And then last night, exploded.

Well, from now on I’m going to speak it out.  Again, this is a learning of how to be the “new” me in old and new places.  This is an old place that needs to be re-calibrated.

That happened last night.  It happened this morning… when I wrote the co-organizer who I felt was rude and unprofessional a letter.

They didn’t reply back and I didn’t think they would, but they got the message.  The issue is taken care of.

This doesn’t excuse the “explosion” of emotion that I shared and it’s not like I’m feeling guilty of that… I’m actually quite proud of myself for saying something and establishing the rules as to what’s acceptable and unacceptable with the group conduct and established myself more as a leader.

Okay… so sometimes I can be cruel.  Oh well, what is there to do?  Nothing.

I’m not doing anything about it.

My feeling is that the more I speak up when things happen, right away, the less they will build and the less my anger will be present and the less the cruel me will come out.

All these things serve a purpose.  My anger tells me I’m not being treated in a way that’s acceptable to me.  This time around, with the new relationships I am creating, I’m choosing to listen to the emotions that stir inside of me.

Amen, praise Jesus 🙂 and thank you.  Haha!