November 7, 2012

I wanted to do a post to share with you how my work has changed.  More specifically, how my view of my work has changed.  Here it goes….

You see, back in the day… not too long ago 🙂 I moved to Florida and got guidance to start doing spiritual talks on the beach.  I liked the idea.  Loved being out in nature and loved talking about relationships and spirituality.  So it was a match.

But when I put the events online, not many people signed up.

One week it would be 4 people.  Then the next 5 (yippee, it’s growing).  Then it would go down to 2.  Then 1.  Then no one.  Then no one.  Then no one.  Then 3 people.  Then 1.  Then on one.

It was like an emotional rollercoaster.

Every week before I tried to do the class, I had terrible thoughts.  Doubting thoughts.  Self defeating thoughts.  Upsetting thoughts.  Unhappy thoughts.

“What am I doing wrong?”

“Why are more people not coming?”

“Maybe I should do it this way…”

“Or maybe I’m not friendly enough…”

“Maybe I should write longer emails as responses to people…”

“Maybe I am charging too much”

And the seesaw carried on.  Raising the price.  Lowering it.  Raising it again because I felt it was too low.  But then questioning it cause “was it the price that was keeping people away?”

Assumptions about Floridians…

“They are cheap.  They want things for free.  There are so many damn things for free here, no one wants to pay.  Everyone does things for donation.  Damn donations.  I don’t want to do things for donations.  This is good stuff I am teaching people.  It changes their lives.  I don’t want to give it away for free.  This is my business.  What the hell”

So it was back and forth and no solution, except misery.

Misery on my behalf and no events happening on a consistent basis.

Then I got mad at my guides.  I would have talks with G-d.

“You gave me this material.  You want me to teach.  I’m a teacher, yet I have no one to teach.  What the fuck?!”

And that went on for sometime.

This all spanned for about a year.  A year of unhappiness and questioning and doubting and feeling like I was getting no where.

But I did get somewhere.  I got to the place I am at now.

I got to a place of being in peace with what I am offering.

I got to a place of understanding my value.

I got to a place of committing to do the work and sticking to it.

I got to a place of having faith in my gift and that Spirit is taking care of me, no matter what it looks like on the outside.

I got to a place of not judging my skills – my gifts – my beauty – my success based on how many people sign up to hear me speak each week.

I got to a place of not panicking about where is the money.

I got to a place of sitting still in my knowing of where I will be… and not concerned with the present situation.

And that’s where I am now.

In peace.

Students may come to my in person beach talk and see only themselves or one other person.  They may feel uncomfortable.  Insecure.  Unhappy.  Concerned.  Confused.  Or make assumptions about me.

I know.  I used to be that person.  I used to judge and assume when I went to events.

But I’m no longer there.

That’s their issues and insecurities to work through (or not).  For now, I am happy being where I am.  I was where they were and it was not a peaceful place.   Amen to that.